Pun Of The Day

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Things To Ponder

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Some people are like "Slinkies". Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
* Why does Goofy stand upright while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy a bird dinner?
* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? (Stop singing and read on.........)
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once really make it arrive faster?

Pun Of The Day

You should never take rocks for granite.

Patriotic Art

There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Hwy 25 in rural Iowa. For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing it's character many times. A few months back, the rock received it's latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely undisturbed. It's quite an impressive sight. I thought the flag was draped over the rock, but it's not. It's actually painted on the rock too.
Here's the artist Ray "Bubba" Sorensen. AWESOME Work, RAY...Thank you!

Pun Of The Day

To become an electrician you have to pass a battery of tests.

HaveYou Got It?

Survey time again. Ok, I'm just being nosey, but who cares. Thanks for playing along.
Today I'm asking if you have any of the following:

A collection of anything - I collect Norman Rockwell plates and old coins and books.
The flag of your country - I have my American flag hanging up in front of my house.
A pet - No, my landlord doesn't allow pets, but I used to have a dog & a cat.
An apple in your kitchen - I think I have one red delicious left in the fridge.
House plants - I have 3 African violets and 1 English Ivy inside, the rest of my plants I put outdoors for the summer.
A bicycle - I don't have one,but thinking about getting one.
Unmatched socks in your drawer - I tossed all my worn out and lone ones recently.
Curtains on your windows - I only have one window with a curtain, the rest are all blinds.
A cookie jar - I have a ceramic panda standing on his head as mine.
A bible - I have two, a really old(100yrs) and tattered family bible I got at an auction and a King James one I keep in my night stand.
A rocking chair - a small Shaker style one in my bed room I never sit on.
A clock on the wall - No
A tool box - Not really, I have some hand tools I keep in a cardboard box.
A blanket in your car - I keep one in the back seat all the time.
A bottle of olive oil - No, that reminds me I need to buy some.
A thermometer - Only the oral kind, no air temperature one.
A bird bath - No
Wind Chimes - Yes, three different ones all chiming.

Memorial Day

Enjoy the Memorial Day weekend. There will be lots going on; the Indy 500, Coca Cola 600, BBQs, picnics, baseball and all kinds of outdoor fun.
Remember to pause a moment and pay tribute to our fallen heros.
All gave some and some gave all.
God Bless America, land that I love.

Pun Of The Day

Funeral parlors undertake many re-hearse-als.

Candy Wrappers

How you dispose of your chocolate wrapper and what it says about you:
Wad it/Scrunch It: If you crumble up the wrapper and toss it without thinking twice about it you enjoy sex but are hasty and probably miss out on a lot.
Fold It: If you carefully fold your wrapper into nice little packages quality is important to you in regards to sex. You like the whole package: seduction, romance and technique. You read sex manuals and strive for perfection in and out of bed.
Ball It Up: If you like to roll the paper up (especially foil) into a ball in your hand and maybe play with it a little, you are an adventurer at heart. But balling it up may be a sign of sexual boredom and that you’re stuck in a routine.
Tear It Up: As a tearer, you need validation and approval and tend to be fickle, always thinking you are missing out because someone better is still out there. You have difficulty with commitment, and underneath, though you rarely admit it, you have self-esteem issues which need to be dealt with.
Sculpt It: If you enjoy making shapes out of your wrapper then not only are you an experienced lover, but you’re ardent and passionate. Your creative imagination extends to showering your lover with bliss.
Smooth It: As a smoother you are sensual and attuned. You love to touch and be touched. Massaging your partner is one of your favorite pastimes and foreplay is just as important as the main event.
Roll It: If you like to roll your wrapper up into long tubes you tend to live through your friends love lives instead of paying attention to your own. You want everyone to be happy in love so you’re known as being a matchmaker. But this is a deflecting mechanism to keep you from dealing with your own relationship dissatisfaction.
Twist It: If you twist your wrappers into ropes it’s a sign of stress and that you need some TLC. You hold back and don’t allow yourself to completely enjoy sex. You are too worried and wound up.
Wrapperless: If you don’t do anything with the wrappers other than throw them straight in the trash, or only eat wrapperless chocolate surprises are not for you in sex. You are all about “what you see is what you get” and make no apologies for a lack of spontaneity. Foreplay is a foreign language and an unnecessary delay to your satisfaction. You only participate if it’s absolutely necessary.

I'm the wad it scrunch it up type, though sometimes I roll it in a ball. Hmmm.

Pun Of The Day

There is a repair shop for baroque musical instruments.

Interesting Anagrams

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Pun Of The Day

Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

American Idol

I've never been a reality TV watcher, but this year I became engrossed by American Idol. Actually, by Taylor Hicks, whom I was a fan of from the first audition. His gray hair and odd, but soulful style captured my eyes and ears. I watched the show religiously each week, joined the Official SoulPatrol fan site and called in votes each week.This was the first time I ever called in a vote on any TV show. There was just something about this man I liked. I was thrilled to see him win the competition. Way to go Soul Patrol!

Hello

H - How are you?
E - Everything all right?
L - Like to hear from you!
L - Love to see you soon!
O - Obviously, I miss you!

Pun Of The Day

To purchase a cat, find a pet store with a fee line.

PSYCH DIET

Little Shape of Horrors
If you're trying to diet, here's another angle you ought to know about.
According to the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, researchers at the University of Health Sciences at Chicago Medical School found 91 women, all of whom were trying to stick to diets, and showed them a travel movie, a comedy or a horror movie. Then they all went to a buffet:
The women who saw the travel movie ate properly, sticking to their diets.
The women who saw the comedy ate a bit more than they were supposed to.
The women who saw the horror movie ate the most.

I think this means a lot of women eat with their emotions. I should probably stick to watching documenteries and get skinny. If only that would work.

Satisfaction

No pleasure philosophy, no sensuality, no place nor power, no material success can for a moment give such inner satisfaction as the sense of living for good purposes, for maintenance of integrity, for the preservation of self-approval.- Minot Simons

Pun Of The Day

A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.

Pun Of The Day

Horses in the movies only have bit parts.

Rumors

Psst! Pass This On
What makes rumors believable?
The department of psychology at Gallaudet University in Washington, D.C., studied that question and came up with a fairly simple answer:
It's the number of times it's passed along, reports the American Annals of Deafness.
And, the journal says, the more people you tell, the more you'll believe the story yourself.

Dare Devil

Today's survey is chosing between two dare devils acts listed below. Be brave . (snicker)

Walking on a bed of hot coals or broken glass?
Ski-diving or bungi-jumping?
Night in a haunted house or a cave with bats?
Listening to chalk screech on a blackboard or a high pitched operatic aria?
Swim with sharks are alligators?
Drink a glass of blended earth worms or a glass of blended jalepino peppers?
Participate in a duel with swords or pistols?


I chose hot coals, I could go over them faster than glass, ski-diving sounds fun and don't think I'd like the bouncing jerk of the bungi, haunted house, I can deal with spirits better than bats, chalk on board, hopefully in wouldn't make me deaf, sharks and hope they aren't hungry, earth worms,at least I'd still have a throat afterwards, pistols, I know how to shoot and would rather be shot than sliced up.

Pun Of The Day

Gun control is the subject of a loud report.

Pun Of The Day

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks, it's all lice.

Vocations

Today I'm doing an either or questionaire regarding what job you would chose from the list below. It could get tricky.

lion tamer or snake handler
airplane pilot or ocean liner captain
insurance salesman or car salesman
waiter or cook
teacher or nurse
professional gambler or show girl
writer or editor
accountant or dentist
farmer or truck driver
plumber or electrician
police officer or fireman
scientist or artist
doctor or lawyer


my choices: lion tamer, pilot, cook, teacher, gambler, writer, accountant, farmer, electrician, police officer, artist, lawyer.

Pun Of The Day

If you have too many scientists together how do you get iridium?

Doors

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.- Helen Keller

Pun Of The Day

Police can do a search if it's warranted.

Pun Of The Day

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

Buckle Up

Fit to Be Tied
Some things are the same the world over, or so it seems.
According to the Journal of the Medical Association of Thailand, researchers at Mahidol University in Bangkok were studying seat belt use among local drivers, and here's what they found:
Fewer than a third of drivers wore seat belts.
Drivers of pick-up trucks were less likely to wear safety restraints than automobile drivers.
Women were more likely to wear seat belts than men.
The most common reasons given for not wearing the belts:
Uncertainty that they actually did any good.
Discomfort.
The belief that they weren't needed when traffic was moving so slowly.

Kindness

If you have not often felt the joy of doing a kind act, you have neglected much, and most of all yourself.- A. Neilen

Pun Of The Day

Teachers who take class attendence are absent minded.

Pun Of The Day

A crazy programmer with a cold is a coughing hacker.

Lonely Web Surfers

DUBLIN Ireland may be enjoying stellar economic growth and seen as one of the best places in the world to live, but its inhabitants are apparently also the globe's loneliest.
Google Trends, which works out how many searches have been done via the Internet search engine on particular terms, showed the word "lonely" was entered most frequently by Internet users in Ireland.
The Irish, enjoying new-found wealth and a flood of immigration following more than a century of economic decline, are followed in the misery stakes by residents of Singapore and New Zealand -- although Singaporeans are the most frequent searchers of "happiness."
Google Trends calculates the ratio of searches for a given term coming from each city, region or language divided by total Google searches coming from the same area.
Ireland's capital, Dublin, topped the city list for "lonely" searches, followed by Melbourne, Australia and Auckland, New Zealand.
In 2004, the Economist magazine named Ireland the best place to live in the world in a "quality of life" assessment.

Pun Of The Day

Nylons give women a run for their money.

Mothers Day

Blessed are the few, the proud, the hardest working women I know; Mothers.
Happy Mothers Day

Road Trip

On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again....sing it Willie!
I'm taking a little road trip this weekend. Going to visit an old friend I haven't seen in a long time and meet up with my children for a Mothers Day celebration. I'm looking forward to catching up, having some laughs and sharing some nice meals.
With gas prices so high I haven't been driving much lately, just sticking close to home. I need to go gas up, check the tires and oil and wash the car before I head out. I wish the weather was nicer, it's cool, damp and windy. I'll stick in some of my old tapes and sing along as I cruize the highways and check out the scenery.
Be safe out there and remember to buckle up. Have a great weekend people.

Pun Of The Day

An astronaut gets to take a turn as a whirled traveler.

Pun Of The Day

Undertakers are nice, they are the last to let people down.

Kindness

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.- Mark Twain

Animals

Yes, it's another poll, this one about animals. Bare(bear) with me. Chose your favorite from the listings below. Thanks.


Polar bear or Grizzly bear
Tiger or Lion
Robin or Bluebird
Horse or Zebra
Aardvark or AntEater
Owl or Eagle
Giraffe or Elephant
Hippo or Rhino
Shark or Dolphin
Starfish or Seahorse
Camel or Llama
Sheep or Goat
Chimp or Ape
Kangaroo or Koala
Spider or Fly
Butterfly or Hummingbird
Goose or Duck
Rabbit or Squirrel
Moose or Caribou
Guppies or Goldfish
Cow or Pig
Chicken or Turkey
Ant or Beetle
Dingo or Wolf
Hampster or Mouse


My choices: Of course I know what this says about me. Do you? chuckle chuckle.
Polar,Tiger, Robin,horse,anteater,owl,elephant,hippo,dolphin,starfish,camel,goat, chimp, kangaroo, spider,butterfly, duck, moose, goldfish,cow,turkey,beetle, wolf,mouse.

Pun Of The Day

He bought a gun to hunt deer, so he'd get more bang for his buck.

Geography

Time for another quiz. I'll list a country and you tell me what are the first three things that come to mind. Yes, you are part of a grand experiment. Play along. Wink.

Australia -

United States of America -

United Kingdom -

Japan -

Mexico -

Germany -

France -

Greece -

Iraq -

Canada -


What came to my mind:
koalas, out back, kangaroos
freedom, red white & blue, 50 states
london fog, the royals, soccer/football fans
cars, technology, geishas
tortillas, immigrants, spanish
nazis, kraut, octoberfest
wine, fashion, wimps
olives, rock of gibralter, olympics
muslims, destruction, mystery
maple leaf, hockey, royal mounties

Pun Of The Day

A couple of ambulance drivers are a paramedics.

Shout Out

A shout out to my friend, and sometime commenter, Corrin in sunny California.
His birthday was May 8th. HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend. Hope you had a wonderful day. Love you.

Pun Of The Day

He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.

In Sickness And Health

Through Sickness...
Many studies have proven that women are generally more nurturing and more caring than men.
But this Duke University Medical Center study may throw you for a loop: When it comes to taking care of an ailing spouse, men's hearts are more into it.
As reported in the Journal of Aging and Health, researchers studied 118 couples in which one spouse was responsible for caring for the other, and they found that women had negative feelings about their sick husbands. By contrast, men were less likely to resent their wives for being ill.

Not sure where that leaves me in the scheme of things. I have no man to look after or have them look after me.
I guess I'll just resent myself for having to take care of myself. ;oP

Les Miserables

Man's greatest actions are performed in minor struggles. Life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment and poverty are battlefields which have their heroes - obscure heroes who are at times greater than illustrious heroes.- Victor Hugo

Pun Of The Day

He labored so hard that he worked his fingers to the bonus.

I Smell Something

The Nose Knows
Did you know that the ability to smell is the first of the five human senses to begin working?
In the Time-Life book, The Mysteries of the Human Body, there are these other olfactory notes:
"From birth, females have a better sense of smell than males, an equality that persists for life."
The ability to smell improves until middle age and declines steadily after that.
Half of people over age 80 have lost their ability to smell.
Unlike the retina in the eye or the vital hair cells in the inner ear, olfactory nerves constantly regenerate; they live about a month and are replaced from the nasal lining.

Either Or

Time for another poll. This one is a pick either or type quiz. As always, this will be a very scientific and psychological study. Yeah right! Pick whichever thing most appeals to you.

peach or pear
pickup or sedan
wind chimes or bird house
ocean or lake
brick or wood
A or Z
? or !
enter or exit
straight or curly
eyes or mouth
left turn or right turn
chicken or fish
boat or train
blue or green

My picks: peach, pickup, wind chimes, lake, wood, A, ?, curly, eyes, right turn, chicken, boat, green.

Pun Of The Day

When he was sentenced to the guillotine, he lost his head.

Living

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.- Agatha Christie

Pun Of The Day

A student drove himself so hard that he missed the learning curve.

Lost In Translation

The Man Translator: (What he says and what he means)
1. I really get into talking about my feelings...I'll talk about feelings if it gets me into your pants.
2. I go out with my buddies at least once a week...I'm dating other women.
3. I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now...wanna do it?
4. I still really value you as a friend...I still want you for booty calls.
5. My career has always been my top priority...I have a 2" penis.
6. The sexiest thing about you is your mind...You're not that attractive, but I'll still sleep with you.
7. This is so special. Let's keep it between us...I'd be totally humiliated if anyone knew we were dating.
8. She has nothing to do with us...I don't even think about you when I sleep with her.
9. My pager is the best way to reach me...I'm married.
10. I think we should slow things down for a while...Oh shit, I think I'm falling in love.
11. I don't believe in sex before marriage...I think I'm gay but humor me for a few months, ok?

Pun Of The Day

Male deer have buck teeth.

Baby Sitting

My sister-in-law runs a home day care. This morning she had a doctors appointment and asked me to fill in watching her charges while she was away. It has been a long time since I spent time with very young children. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the 2 and 4 year old little girls. We pretended to go to the park and have a picnic and read stories and played dress up. Their young faces are so sweet and full of life. They made me feel young again. I'm still smiling thinking about the clever imaginations and bright spirits. Thanks for letting me babysit.

Pun Of The Day

Teachers hands are always chalk-full.

Shrooming

It's that time again, the official mushrooming season. Here in Iowa we have an annual tradition of hunting for wild morel mushrooms in the Spring. These natural fungi treats are highly sought after. Restaurants have been known to pay up to $50 a pund for these delicacies. Only a few mid-western states produce these wonderful mushroms.
My son and I are going mushroom hunting in our local wooded park today. I'm hoping we find a big mess of them. The season is very short, usually a couple weeks in early spring after we've had rain and sun to make them pop up. My mouth waters just thinking about frying up a batch. They are very rich and taste some what meaty.The most popular way to prepare them is to rinse them off, slice and pat dry. Crush saltines crackers, whisk an egg, dip mushrooms in egg batter roll in cracker crumbs and fry in butter a few minutes on each side. Drain on a paper towel and eat while still hot. You can also chop them up and put in scrambled eggs for a nice breakfast treat. There is nothing like them in the whole world. Yum!

Pun Of The Day

Horses eat best when they don't have a bit in their mouth.

Coffee Tea & Me

Coffee, Tea? Let's See
Here's one for all you tea and coffee drinkers who're always arguing about which is best.
Turns out, you're both right.
According to a report published in the European Journal of Epidemiology, researchers at the National Defense Medical College in Tokorozawa, Japan, studied the effects of coffee and tea drinking. They found that coffee, but not tea, lowered blood pressure in regular drinkers.
But before you coffee-drinkers collect on that bet, here's the word on tea from the American Journal of Epidemiology.
That journal published a study from Harvard Medical School that shows that tea, but not coffee, reduces the risk of heart attacks.

I drink both coffee and tea. I drink coffee everyday, usually about three cups. I drink hot tea in the winter and iced tea in the summer. Hopefully this will be a good balance, but with all of my other nutritional faults I doubt it has too big of a impact.

Pun of The Day

A boxer went on an assault free diet.

Courtesy

Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of pleasures, costs nothing, and conveys much.- Erastus Wiman

Welcome Home

My son is coming home today. I'm so excited to see my first born's face and hug the stuffing out of him. We have lots to catch up on and I'm sure we'll share a lot of laughs and tears. Family has always been the most important thing in my life and I've missed playing Mom since my children grew up and flew the coop.

Pun Of The Day

Saw manufacturers that are losing money have to make lots of cuts.