Happy Halloween

HAVE A BOO-TIFUL HALLOWEEN
WANT TO TAKE A SPIN ON MY BROOM?

Halloween Humor VI

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi...

Which monster likes to fly kites in the rain?
Benjamin Franklinstein...

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'll have two beers and a mop...

What did the mummy say to the detective?
Let's wrap this case up...

Why was the witch kicked out of witching school?
Because she flunked spelling...

When a witch lands after flying, where does she park?
The broom closet...

Where was satan's son born ?
Deathlehem... (Thanks to ChanceInn)

Why can't skeletons play music in church?
Because they have no organs...

How do you tell twin witches apart?
You can't tell which which is which...

What do you call a dead chicken that likes to scare people?
A Poultrygeist...

Halloween Humor V

What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?
Veinilla...

Why is a haunted handkerchief so scary?
Because it has boogers...

What did the three vampires order at the bar?
Two bloods and a blood light...

How did the priest make holy water?
He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it...

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffindrops...

What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A pumpkin patch...

What kind of shoes do ghosts from Texas wear?
Boots...

Why did the Cyclops have to close his school?
He only had one pupil...

Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties?
Because he's a pain in the neck...

Who is a skeleton's favorite emperor?
Napoleon Boneaparte...

Why did the vampires cancel their baseball game?
They couldn't find their bats...

Halloween Humor IV

What kinds of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?
High spirits...

Why did the skeleton climb a tree?
Because a dog was after its bones...

How do you make a witch scratch?
Just take away the W...

Where do ghosts go swimming?
The dead sea...

Why was the witch's cat giggling?
Because it was a giggle puss...

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it's Halloween...

What do you call a skeleton stone age family?
The Flintbones...

What did the witch say to the midget vampire skeleton?
Bony little bloodsucker, aren't you?...

What's the difference between a fisherman and a sick ghost?
One catches his dinner, the other one loses it...

Did you hear about the new Dracula doll?
Wind it up and it bites Barbie on the neck...

What did the t.v. news reporter say to the ghost?
Everyone dead! Boos at 11...

Halloween Humor III

What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-ick...

What did the mother ghost say to her son?
Don't spook unless you are spooken to...

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo...

Why did the ghost pick his nose?
Because he had boogers...

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boojeans...

Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on a coffinbreak...

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appétit...

What does a child monster call his parents?
Mummy and Deady...

Where do fasionable ghosts shop for sheets?
At bootiques...

What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?
The roller ghoster...

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot...

What fairy tale do ghosts like best?
Sleeping booty...

What kind of spirits serve food on a plane?
Airline ghostesses...

Halloween Humor II

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What do ghouls eat for breakfast?
Ghost toasties with evaporated milk.

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?
He couldn't find any dloob...

Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?
hehehehe...

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher...

What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?
The cold shoulder...

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?
hee hee...

What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet...

Halloween Humor

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?
Ouch...

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
Halloweenies...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?
A boo boo...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

What is Dracula's favorite kind of coffee?
Decoffinated...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
Peekaboo...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Unclutter Your Life

When I opened a closet a few days ago, I suddenly realized how crammed and disorderly it was. It was definitely time to declutter! Decluttering is the act of removing the things from your environment that you don't really need and reordering the things that you do.

When you get rid of clutter, you actually shift energy that has been stuck or stagnated. The end result is that you feel lighter, clearer, happier, and more energetic. By removing your excess and clutter, you create new space for increased happiness, new insights, and positive experiences. And what is more fulfilling than a clean and pleasant environment as well as an increase in energy to boot? And you are the one who actually makes it happen!

In addition, clearing away your clutter benefits others, as well as the environment. So, recycle your newspapers and magazines, part with extra clothing that is no longer worn or out of fashion by giving it to a local charity, and find new homes for old bric-a-brac and items you haven't used for ages. You will feel all the better for it!

When I was faced with the state of my closet, I certainly wasn't wild about the chore ahead of me, but I knew I would feel better once it was completed. And I did! Afterwards, I felt satisfied by my efforts, organized, efficient, and motivated. I'd say that was well worth the effort.

Happy Birthday Mom

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOTHER
SHE TURNS 69 TODAY

LOVE YOU MOM!

Another Year To Celebrate

Happy Birthday to my Aunt Jennie!
She is a special lady, who has always been there for me.
Have a wonderful day, filled with love, laughter and fond memories.

Autumn Leaves

Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin
board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to
capture him.'

Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy
wants to buy Mom.'

Sick Humor

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

Happy Birthday William

Scenes and Senses of Fall

Senior Moments

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida
adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end
of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted Living, he was a
widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One
evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes.
Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did
you say No"?

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical
Clinic to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur, be careful!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream
parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked
kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Fall Fest

Yesterday I went to the annual, Villages of Van Buren County Fall Festival. I enjoyed looking at the crafts, jewelry, clothing, listening to musicians in the street, the smell of all kinds of foods cooking, the free book give away and picking out pumpkins and gourds.
It was a little cool, the sky was over-cast and the foliage had only begun to turn shades of gold and brown. Still, it was a nice day to meander around and take in the sights.

Emotional IQ

What's your emotional IQ? Bet I made you think a bit there. Most of us are used to thinking of intelligence as relating to being "smart" or intellectual, good at solving problems or having a good memory. But now psychologists and sociologists are seeing intelligence as being much broader than that.

Emotional intelligence is being aware of and recognizing your feelings, which in turn helps you to manage your emotions. When you can manage your emotions, you can motivate yourself and focus on a goal, instead of wanting instant gratification. Someone with high emotional intelligence is also able to understand the feelings of others. So this means they can work better with others and develop more fulfilling personal relationships. In fact, emotional intelligence can be the best indicator of human success, personally and professionally.
The good news is that you can develop your emotional intelligence. If you'd like to boost your emotional IQ, here are a few tips:

If you're upset, take a moment to step back and consider what it is that is really bothering you about a situation.
Remember, not everything is "about you." Don't be too quick to take things personally.
Listen – really pay attention to others when they talk to you.
Before you judge someone, imagine how you would feel in the other person's situation.
Try to be open-minded about other people's moods, opinions, or beliefs.
The Golden Rule always works: treat others the way you would want to be treated.
Getting a handle on your emotions and developing your powers of empathy could set you up for a more fulfilling life.

1492 Columbus Sailed The Ocean Blue

After rejection from Portugal Columbus finally convinced the King and Queen of Spain to finance him and under the Spanish flag from Palos, Harbor in Spain with three ships the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria set sail at dawn on August 3, 1492.

However problems with the Nina and the Pinta necessitated a one month delay in the Canary Islands. He then set sail again on September 3, 1492 and thirty-three days later at 2:00 a.m. on October 12, 1492, Rodrigo de Triana, a seaman aboard the Pinta, spotted land.
Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria set sail for a new world.


Columbus actually had landed among the Bahama Islands on an island today called Watling Island. but the inhabitants then called Guanahani Island. Columbus named this land San Salvador, claiming it in the name of Spain. This NEW World would lead to the settlement by Europeans of the continents of North and South America.

Pee Eww

A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

Quick Fixes

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. I f it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember.....everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Courage

Physical courage, which despises all danger, will make a man brave in one way; and moral courage, which despises all opinion, will make a man brave in another.
- Charles Caleb Colton

Have a nice day Bitch!

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart."

Tainted Money

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

American Dream

So, then, to every man his chance - to every man, regardless of his birth, his shining golden opportunity - to every man his right to live, to work, to be himself, to become whatever his manhood and his vision can combine to make him - this, seeker, is the promise of America.
- Thomas Wolfe