HAPPY THANKSGIVING

BE THANKFUL FOR
ALL THAT YOU HAVE
ALL THAT YOU DO
AND ALL THAT YOU ARE

Bumper Snickers

TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people

"Everybody But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be

out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!

1. Welcome to America...now speak English!

Christmas at the pearly gates.

2008's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man said, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Over 40 and Fabulous

Women over 40 by Frank Kaiser


As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Out Takes

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefullyin his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get aheadache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin'and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a supportgroup for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirablejob, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At theend of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and savingan infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without eve nconsidering if there is a man on base.'--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treatit like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you , they shouldgive you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the daybefore they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to s wim when someone took herout in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren'ttrying to teach you how to swim.'--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says tha t women have betterverbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:'Duh.'--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfwaythrough my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eatinga slow learner.
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in NewYork said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it justisn't cold enough. Let's go west.'--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonatorswould be dead.'--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'--Paul Rodriguez13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixtyand that's the law.'--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case offire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest totallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is thesame.'--Oscar Wilde16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a memberof Congress. But I repeat myself.'-- Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.At least they can find Afghanistan .'--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will giveyou a look that says, 'My sakes, you're right! I never would've thoughtof that.'--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease'was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) And lastly: Why in the world should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'--Every American

Hey Bartender

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the sake
of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code
word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give
me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller
Lite.

Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bu
Lite.

Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a
Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

Fold Call Or Raise

Two couples were playing poker. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

HELLO

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

Compute

The Original Computer!
Was a pencil..
the lead end was "PRINT"
the eraser was "DELETE!"


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

Take a moment to remember.

On this day in 1921, the anniversary of the end of World War I, the first Armistice Day was commemorated with the burial of the bodies of unknown soldiers in tombs in Paris, in London, and outside Washington, D.C.

Red Flag

Red Flag (as performed by Cody McCarver)

He's got a wrinkled up rock 'n' roll T-shirt on
And a beanbag for a couch
He can hold his beer but he can't hold a job
And he creeps your little sister out
When he flexes his muscle and
He makes that Hooters girl on his right arm dance
Well he wants to be a star
Play air guitar someday in a heavy metal band

[chorus]
That's a red flag, that's a bad sign,
That's a good bet somethin' ain't right
Hold on there, I wouldn't go there
If I was you

I ain't sayin' I'm a know-it-all
But something sure should have tipped you off
When he said,
"Hey baby can I bum a couple bucks for gas,"
Yeah that's a red flag.

You say this one's different cause he bought you flowers,
A dozen for every day of the week
He drives by your house every hour on the hour
And writes you poetry
It's all about destiny, how it's meant to be,
How it's written in the stars that shine
And he's talkin' love and kids and stuff,
And you've only been out one time

[Chorus w/new ending]
That's a red flag, that's a bad sign,
That's a good bet somethin' ain't right
Hold on there, I wouldn't go there
If I was you

Now I ain't sayin' I'm a know-it-all
But something sure should have tipped you off
When he called just to say
"I called how come you didn't call me back?"
Yeah that's a red flag.

[bridge]
Mama's boy and jocks and flirts,
Weirdos in speedos and plain old jerks
And hare-brained half-baked honky tonk clowns
With half a dozen girls in half a dozen towns

[chorus]
That's a red flag, that's a bad sign,
That's a good bet somethin' ain't right
Hold on there, I wouldn't go there
If I was you

Now I ain't sayin' I'm a know-it-all
But something sure should have tipped you off
When some guys says
"My ex-old lady was a nag,"
Yeah that's a red flag

Life in the 1500's

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small ani mals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did no t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Heroine

There is a word in the English in which the first 2 letters signify a man, the first 3 letters signify a woman, the first 4 letters signify a great man and the entire word signifies a great woman.

November 4, 2008

Do your civic duty and get out and vote today.
Obama vs. McCain

Daylight Savings Time

Be sure and set your clocks back one hour before you go to bed tonight.

Bad Moon Rising

Sign

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."