Moon Me Baby!

Tonight gives us another full moon.
The looney Cancers will be out howling.
Our sign is ruled by the moon.

Poker Humor

You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sitting at the table
There will be time enough for counting
When the dealings done

Life List

Have you made up your "life list" yet? In case you're not familiar with the term, a life list is a list of all the things you'd like to do before you die. I've been noticing websites sprouting up lately where people can list their goals, or make notes on their progress, and indicate when they achieve them. Books and television shows also seem to have cottoned on to this same idea, based on the theme "live life to the fullest." But a life list is also a great tool for helping you get more out of each day and adding zest to your life.

If you take a moment and just imagine yourself looking back over your life, what kinds of things would you find yourself wishing you had done? These could range from the very simple, to the more ambitious. But to put them on your life list, it's important that they are things that personally appeal to you. For example, "climbing Mount Everest" might be on a lot of people's lists, but I suspect that, unless you are really into mountain climbing, it wouldn't honestly be most people's cup of tea. If you'd like to explore this idea of a life list further, here are a few guidelines to help you make up your own.

Put your list in writing. The act of writing helps to impress on your subconscious that you are serious.

Choose between 10-50 goals, from the simple and easily achievable, to more complex ones that may take more time. Include different types of goals, like ambitious ones (start your own business), silly or "crazy" ones (like dance in the rain), fun (go on a road trip), self-improvement (lose weight, get organized), learning a new skill (learn a foreign language or study a musical instrument), and doing good (volunteer or support a cause).

Make the goal specific. If you say something like, "be calmer," it's difficult to know exactly what to do about that. But if you say, "count to ten and breathe deeply whenever I feel about to lose my temper," that's something you can do that's concrete.

Be realistic. To say, "walk on the moon" isn't realistic, unless you are a multimillionaire and can buy a space trip, or are an astronaut in training. A goal can be difficult, but it should also be doable.

Be flexible. You can change your mind about a goal, or find it changing into something else. And you can add new goals whenever you want.

So, get a life…list!

Listen Up

As a potential juror, I listened carefully while the judge questioned the jury candidates.
Following his introductory guidelines, most people had no trouble responding.
But one man handled the queries in his own way. "If you were picked for this jury,
do you think you could follow instructions?" the judge asked. "Why, yes, I think I could,
Your Honor," the man responded. "I've been married for 40 years."

M.O.

Those who steal trains must have a loco-motive.

Ironic Justice

A woman whose purse was stolen and the thief who took it inadvertently stood next to each other at a Prescott bookstore - she to complain about the unauthorized use of her credit card, he to get some cash.

The 59-year-old victim went to Hastings Books and Music on Tuesday to tell the store that someone had stolen her purse and used her credit card to buy $200 in DVDs.

Minutes later, while the woman was standing there, a man came up to the counter and tried to return eight DVDs in exchange for cash. The two didn't recognized each other, and the woman even politely made room for the man when he walked up.

When the manager came to handle both transactions, she connected the dots.
The manager "looked at the receipt, looked at the elderly lady and then at the young man standing next to her.

That's when the man rushed out of the store. Police arrived and eventually caught up with him.

The 22-year-old man admitted to police that he had stolen the purse and used the woman's credit card at the bookstore, a grocery store and a Wal-Mart. Police said the purchases added up to $716.

Tired

I've been too tired to think of anything worth while to put on my blog.
Here is my attempt at a tired joke.

Did you hear about the tire dealers blowout sale?

and now back to our sponsor... Firestone

It's That Kind Of Day

It's my day off and it's gorgeous outside.
I want to laze around, soak up the sun and watch the clouds drift by.

Apollo 11

July 20,1969
Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin E. Aldrin, Jr. became the first men to walk on the moon.

One small step for man one giant leap for mankind...

I remember watching the moon landing on our Zenith console TV and wondering how it was possible. Sci-Fi had come to life.

Summer of 69

Summer Of '69

I got my first real six-string
Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played it til my fingers bled
It was the summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had a band and we tried real hard
Jimmy quit and Jody got married
I shoulda known we'd never get far

Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive-in
And that's when I met you

Standin' on your Mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life
Back in the summer of '69

Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever - forever, no

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Sometimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin' on your Mama's porch
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life
Back in the summer of '69
Me and my baby in a '69...

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
- James Buckham

Purr-fect

At a supermarket, I overheard two women talking in the next aisle. "Horace and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is more expensive." "Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied. I turned into their aisle. Both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.

Chicken Philosophy

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

*KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
*PLATO: For the greater good.
*ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
*KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
*TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
*SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
*RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
*CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
*HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
*LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
*MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free of cross roads without having their motives called into question.
*MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
*FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
*RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
*MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
*JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
*FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
*BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbooks. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road.
*OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
*DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
*EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
*BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
*RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
*ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
*MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instictive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
*HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm.....chicken....

Dating By The Stars

I'm a Cancer and my how to is about right on.
How To Date A....

ARIES FEMALE (March 21-April 20)

If you are dating an Aries female, take her out to the shooting range. Bring an extra gun for her to shoot with you. (She is capable of shooting at you, if you rile her anger.)
Wear tight jeans, a red shirt and look manly.
Pick her up on your Harley Davidson, but remind her you have a private racecar collection.
Be Macho! Do not talk about old girlfriends!
Aries females must be the only one.
Cooking isn't her goal in life, but adventure will get her attention!
Don't be a pushover, she'll lose interest, and look for another challenge. Tell her she is really cool, and the most fun and exciting woman you were ever with.
(This will probably not be lie.)
She values honesty, don't fabricate! Be careful though, if this Aries female really likes you, she'll chase you until she! can propose to you.
Aries females mean business and are not recommended for timid men!

ARIES MALE (March 21-April 20)
If you are dating an Aries male, allow him to decide where to go and what to do. Let him know that you have never dated a man with such confidence and brains. You can be the dumb blonde with this guy, he'll save you.
If you are out with him and you flirt with someone else, be prepared to call a cab to get home. Aries males do like skin and cleavage, therefore, you could win him back. It will not work a second time.
He can argue with you, and when you think you have won, he will still do it his way. He wants to chase you, so let him do the calling and guesswork. Don't tell him you love him, until he proposes. To catch this hot-blooded Aries man, give the Ram his&n! bsp;head and follow his lead. Everyday is an adventure to an Arie s male, marriage is also. Rest up!


TAURUS FEMALE (April 21-May 21)
If you are dating a Taurus female, take her to an expensive steak house, rub on your soft musk, wear your corporate suit, and arrive in your four-door sedan. If it is paid for, you may drop that subtlety in your conversation during dinner. Taurus females prefer tender hugs and quiet candle-lit dinners at home, prepared by you. She'll return the love by cooking for you at her home. When mentioning the house you would like to build, make sure you tell her about the large wooded lot with room for kids and dogs. If you are serious about her, let her know that it wouldn't be complete without a woman's touch. She will interpret your comment and hint about a cute little 20-carat diamond she spotted at the mall.
Taurus femal! es are warm and loving!
(Unless you make her mad or jealous. Don't tell her you spent your rent money to buy drugs.) Taurus females are security minded, and will stick by you!

TAURUS MALE (April 21-May 21)
If you are dating a Taurus male, be prepared to watch lots of movies at his home. His dog will eventually accept the two of you being together.

A real treat will be when he takes you out to dinner to a four star restaurant.
Taurus males will think you look great in forest green, however, they like nudity above all.
Taurus males have the cuddly teddy bear approach to love. He will certainly have his arm around you, during the movies. If you want to win his heart, get him a cold beer without him asking you. He will of course, apologize for his messy home.
He would know he had your love, if you surprised him by cleaning it up, and making the chili when he entertains his friends for Monday night football.
He likes to take his own sweet time, so don't push him.
He is the marrying kind. Visualize Mr. Taurus, watching television from his recliner, dog at his feet, a child under each arm, complete with TV guide and beer can ! pyramid.

GEMINI FEMALE (May 22-June 21)
If you are dating a Gemini female, arrive on your mountain bike built for two. Ask her if she would like to ride over to the bar, and shoot a game of pool, because a lot of your buddies hang out there and they are fun!
If that doesn't work, then suggest skating, a coffee house, or hanging out at the bookstore.
Wear casual clothes and be prepared to talk a lot.
Talk about the fascinating people you know, the intellectual types preferably.
Tell her about the book you are going to write.
Have some original thoughts and be inventive. Creativity ranks high on your Gemini females list. You'll never know what she is thinking. She is full of surprises. You can take her to the neighborhood dive bar, or to the governor's Ball.
She won't ! ;embarrass you.
You can find out what she really thinks of yo u by locating her journal, where all her secrets are kept. Gemini females are not tidy, so it should be lying around in plain sight. There's lots of time before an engagement ring is necessary.
Gemini females have to fall in love with your brain first!

GEMINI MALE (May 22-June 21)
If you are dating a Gemini male, you can expect him to stand you up on your first date, but if you are lucky, he will call, say he is running late, and that the plans for the date have changed.
Bring an overnight bag, he can get carried away and forget that you need to go home.
He will have the cutest twinkling eyes, and you will forgive him.
He will slightly ignore you in public, as he always knows everyone, wherever he takes you, and speaks to each one.
Somehow, you can't picture him in a tuxedo, going down the aisle.
Gemini males won't call you eve! ryday. Gemini men are witty, fun, and can play, play, and play!
These men thrive in occupations where they can meet the public, and talk.
Gemini males are great as disc jockeys. If you want to catch this guy, don't lean on him, don't get pregnant, or talk marriage.
Be a challenge, do your own thing and let your Gemini male chase you.
It's ok to date others.

CANCER FEMALE (June 22-July 22)
If you are dating a Cancer female, dine out for pizza, and afterwards take her to Baskin-Robbins. Be sure to call her mother and check on the kids.
She'll think you are really a nice guy. Dress casual, and drive a suburban, or mini-van.
It's ok, if you got the kids from your last divorce, that won't stop her from dating you.
Offer to barbecue at her house and compliment her cooking. (That way you get to come back for more.)
Bring the fam ily with you, Cancer females can take it.
Cancer females are very sensitive about everything near and dear to them.
Never say bad things about her family members - ever!
They do possess humor. Pay attention to all her handmade quilts and home crafts.
Cancer women are great homemakers. Let her know you like women with little meat on their bones. (They taste everything they cook...yummy!)
If you are not marriage minded, don't play games with Cancer women.

CANCER MALE (June 22-July 22)
If you are dating a Cancer male, be prepared to go to swap meets, and garage sales.
Of course, he will take you out to eat, at least on your first date.
He is pretty thrifty, so be sure you have little stash of tip money in your purse.
Of course, if you want to pay for your own, that would be fine.
Just be yourself around him. Looks! aren't that important to Cancer males, but do know some fabulous recipes!
Talk about your love of children.
Display an interest in his hobbies. Don't go into his garage, it will take the rest of the century to go through all of his bargains and collectables.
Your Cancer man will be dating just you, and possibly his ex-wife. He is extremely stable, and loves to eat. If you think you need to diet, he won't.
He loves chesty women! You will receive flowers from him, out of his garden, naturally.
He will remember all the holidays and treat you well.
Tell him all your funny stories - he likes to laugh.
It's ok, to say you are pro-marriage and to openly discuss it.
He's there for you. He knows how to treat women, after all, his best friend is his mother.
When you marry a Cancer man, you get them both!


LEO FEMALE (July 23-August 22)&nb sp;
If you are dating a Leo female, take her to the movies, a concert, a Broadway show, and a plush restaurant. Getting the picture? She wants to be seen out with you.
If men notice her, she will love that. If you don't act a little jealous, she will try harder to make you so. She thinks jealousy is a compliment.
Bring her flowers, wear your gold chains, and wear something that shows off those muscles you worked so hard to get. That will excite her.
Don't forget to splash on your Giorgio cologne. Tell her how much you love redheads, and ask her if all that gorgeous hair is hers? (If she isn't a redhead, then switch to blondes, or dark hair, but don't forget this.)
Compliment her constantly, and drive something sporty to show her off.
A convertible would be nice. Leo gals will get you noticed!
When she disappears on your dates, she is merely primping i! n the ladies room.
Be willing to fight for your Leo female, but don't take any crap from her.
She can start fights over nothing. Be prepared. You had better love her cats too!
She doesn't care if you are well read or educated, but do be suave, polished and act like you know what you are doing.
She will marry you, but be prepared to take care of her sexually, financially, and emotionally.
Leo females are a handful, and remember, she can always get another man, so treat her right.


LEO MALE (July 23-August 22)
If you are dating a Leo male, he will take you to the best places for dinner, shows, etc.
He will lavish money on you, even if he does not have it to spend.
You can expect him to put the studley moves on you ASAP, not to worry.
Usually it is a game, to see if you are really interested.
He will impress you with his peacock strut, and the way he puffs out his chest.
If he can convince you that he is a great guy, then he will be, otherwise, you will be pounced on by his cat like nature.
His favorite past-time is being waited on, breakfast in bed, candlelight, movies, concerts, roses and your basic everyday adoration.
He is capable of a variety of occupations, but he likes to be the boss the most.
This includes home. Leo men can have temper! tantrums, if things don't go their way.
It's ok, if you want to toss a few things back his way, when he starts to roar.
Stand up to him. Be able to turn his roar into a purr.
Always look good around him. Don't admit you colour your hair.
Do sleep with your makeup on, and dress sexy and feminine.
He won't marry you otherwise.
Leo males love the chase, so let him!
(Leo males will already have told you about all of his other women.)

VIRGO FEMALE (August 23-September 23)
If you are dating a Virgo female, be on time when you arrive in your Mercedes to take her out for health food. Borrow the car if you have to.
Do not pick her up in your unwashed car, with the baby car carrier.
She isn't interested in ready-made families.
Wear the latest in fashion, and above a! ll, have a manicure.
Virgo females notice everything! Have a degree, be a professional, know everyone who is anyone. Exude confidence.
Stay away from the bar where you were 86'd!
Do not have other girlfriends. Virgo females are shy and sometimes aloof.
That does not mean they don't like you.
It takes several dates for them to decide if they want you.
They are neat freaks, and don't want to pick up after you. Be toilet trained!
If you tell her you are going to do something at 6 pm, then do it.
Virgo females can drop you for little things like that.
Don't quit trying, if you care about her.
They only love a handful of men, and you won't have any competition.
Just be real! Quality is important to female Virgos. Virgo females are usually career minded, but they will marry.

VIRGO MALE (August 23-September 23)
If you are dating a Virgo male, go slowly. They hate to make mistakes.
He will take you out to nice clean respectable establishments, and go to the movies with you.
He does not go out dancing or rabble rousing with the guys.
He is a solitary person, whose social group is small.
Virgo males are inclined to computers, and the geeky stuff.
However, he could balance your checkbook for you.
Do not dress like a slut. Be chic!
Have no children from previous marriages. Don't be too talkative. He shies away from party animals. He wants to date someone with a purpose in life. Be interesting, and invite him to your workplace. He can visualize his name hyphenated after yours on the nameplate on your desk.
Virgo men can be
>>workaholics, that way they can avoid nooners.
Virgo males are not usually sexually promiscuous.
Sex won't happen until you push for it, but be sure to have your STD test results handy.
He will marry you in time, lots of time, be patient.
Your Virgo male won't divorce you. Once in love, it's for keeps!

LIBRA FEMALE (September 24-October 23)
If you are dating a Libra female, take her to a wine tasting, the theatre, your cousin's wedding, anyplace sociable.
She likes elegance and beauty. Dress in your Sunday best. Bring her flowers, cards and special little feminine gifts. She'll be thoughtful too.
Although Libra women are the ultimate in fashion and femininity, they are big flirts.
However, underneath it all,! they really want to be married to one darling man, who will romance them eternally. Flirt back with her, she loves little games.
You can fall in love anytime you want to with her.
Your car isn't as important, as how you treat her.
Gently please, no conflict!
Your Libra female probably won't have children, but she will have her fluffy lap dog, everywhere you go. S he isn't the type to cheat on you, unless you forget about romance.
Your occupation isn't that important. Be sure to earn enough money to support her frequent shopping trips to the mall. She loves to decorate, so step back at home.
You can do the outside domestic duties.
You get to wash the car and mow the lawn.
When you propose to her, present her with your poetic love vows, and promise to hire a maid for her.
Libra females love to be married!

LIBRA MALE (September 24-October 23)
If you are dating a Libra male, your first date will be in a romantic restaurant, highlighted with a wonderful wine list.
During dinner just smile and be sweet.
Libra men don't like vulgarity in any form. Dress tastefully, and do use your flower-scented perfume. He loves women who dress up, wear jewelry, use makeup, and are happy being feminine. He is fascinated with fantasy, including sexual fantasy.
Don't discuss your recent love life, or ex-husbands. He could care less about your children, or desire to have them.
Don't be argumentative. Libra males hate conflict. You can discuss your latest painting, the last book you read, or what your plans are for interior decorating.
Libra males love cozy fires, and sensuous females near it. Foreplay is a big high for Libra males.
He is not a wimp, by any means, although, he loves to please!
Yes, he would be your sex slave, provided you tease him a lot.
At work, he is fair boss, but at home he loves to be used!
Libra males will stay in a bad marriage. Flirting gets them into trouble.
Marriage is part of his ultimate plan; just make certain he is single, when you decide to date your Libra male.


SCORPIO FEMALE (October 24-November 22)
If you are dating a Scorpio female, be careful! Show up wearing black clothes that fit you well. Arrive in your black car with the dark tinted windows. She likes the dark places, so take her to the bars - a casino would be fab!
Don't tell her about the drugs you are on, she won't tell you about hers either. There needs to be caution exercised here, because Scorpios are one of two extremes.
One - the saint,
the other - the sinner.
The first type of Scorpio is very religious, and does not smoke, drink, or do drugs.
If you are on a blind date, you will know which version you are dating.
Neither type is hung up on what you wear, but more how you wear it. Have sex appeal.Be interested in occult matters - be deep. She won't offer you much infor! mation about herself - you will have to guess.
Scorpio females will pry your whole life story out of you.
To keep her interested, be hard to get.
You won't know if you are pleasing her, or where you stand. A fatal mistake is to anger a Scorpio female. Scorpio women will get you! She has a passionate nature and can have more than one love interest.
They are not usually domestic, nor want to be involved with parenthood.
She will put all of her intense energy into either partying or getting to the top.
Female Scorpios are all or nothing, even when it comes to marriage.

SCORPIO MALE (October 24-November 22)
If you are dating a Scorpio male, make sure you love secrets!
He loves for you to be sexy, and downright sleazy works for him too.
He can make love to you, and not be in love with you.
His passion can fool women, don't mistake! it for love.
Oftentimes, they are most in love when they can 't possess or own you.
Jealousy is a big issue with him. He stays jealous. He does not care what you do for an occupation, nor your financial status.
Scorpio males want to control you to conform to their ideas of living.
So, if you aren't strong in your own identity, then you will lose him.
Scorpio males like the challenge of ownership. They love you most when they can't have complete control over you. Only the fearless need apply here. One type of Scorpio will marry you and stay put and dominate the household. Whereas, the other type will just disappear on you without warning or reason. Be true to yourself with Scorpio males, and let your personality stay on top!


SAGITTARIUS FEMALE (November 23 -December 21)
If you are dating a Sagittarius female, be ready, willing and able to go anywhere.
She loves sports and to travel. A perfect date would be an overnight excursion to Mount Olympus, and skiing down the slopes for breakfast.
Pick her up in your jeep, or pickup truck, she won't mind your dog either. Dress casual, and be able to tell her about an Indian Shaman you know, who invited you to a tribal ceremony.
She'll want to go with you. Don't do the same things twice in a row.
She won't care who you are dating, because she has plenty of men friends.
Sagittarius women can be ready for a date on a moments notice.
She'll be great at men's activities, like softball, and eating the worm from a Tequila bottle. She will have been everywhere, but! darn, Sagittarius females are fun to be around.
You can win her heart with variety in your lovemaking.
She isn't the type to spend time in the kitchen or babysitting. Show her you want to be a companion in all of her zany schemes. When she falls for you, she will ask you to do things with her. Marriage is not on her mind, but she would marry you, if she felt you were compatible enough. Sagittarius women love their freedom!


SAGITTARIUS MALE (November 23 -December 21)
If you are dating a Sagittarius male, expect anything and everything. He is not very reliable about schedules, dates, or you. Not in the beginning anyway.
He likes talkative women and female jocks. He wants a buddy to join him in his pursuits.
Most Sagittarius males are employed in sales/traveling jobs.
They can have a gal in every port. Let him tell you he is serious about you first.
Sagittarius males only get married when they have to, and then they can't seem to stay married. They love the thrill and adventure of chasing a woman, similar to their love of hunting, fishing, and sports. You rank in there somewhere.
You can get used to being a hunting widow, sports widow, etc., with a Sagittarius male!
You should love the same th! ings he does.
Sagittarius men can be very funny and interesting. He will go to restaurants, but throw out his suit and tie.
Sagittarius males like their comfort and the wide open spaces and places, and freedom with their women.
Make no mistake about it; he does love women, all of them.
When your Sagittarian's heart goes out to you, he won't know what to do about it, because he didn't expect to fall in love. If you live with him, he won't find time to go down the aisle. Sagittarius men dread the thought of a tuxedo, and the stares from wedding guests. You will have to drag your Sagittarius male to the altar!


CAPRICORN FEMALE (December 22 -January 20)
If you are dating a Capricorn female, take her to dinner at the best restaurant in town, arrive in a limousine with flowers. Dress in your designer clothes, and be impeccable.
Pinstripes and subtle scents arouse her. Be successful at whatever you are undertaking. Let her know about it.
It's ok, to tell her you made two million last year. Don't be cheap. Tell her you have been saving yourself for the right woman, and that you have been working your buns off, to build your empire. Tell her you need someone to share this big business burden with, and that your thoughts are about expanding your business. Hint that a woman would be perfect as a manager in your new expansion. She will be so intrigued, that she will offer you sound business suggestions! . She is SMART!
Capricorn females won't compete with you, they'll help climb the ladder. Don't forget about her. She loves expensive presents with thought behind them. Her little black book is filled with business appointments, not telephone numbers. Capricorn women are almost always successful in whatever they undertake. They don't take enough time to eat, so take her to lunch, dinner and your next corporate meeting.
Business thrills them. She may seem cold emotionally, but don't be fooled. She has those sexual infernos, looking for a release! She does not trust men entirely, so don't give her the bums rush, or you will be part of the homeless. She would be a great wife to a success-oriented man.
she can entertain your clients, and friends. Capricorn females can be boss in marriage too. Be prepared to be hen-pecked, if you are thinking marriage!

CAPRICORN MALE (December 22 - January 20)
If you are dating a Capricorn male, plan on doing most of the talking. He will take you to places with class and ambience. He will pick you up in his black, luxury car. You will be treated like a lady. Therefore, you should let him open the doors, etc.
Dress in style, but be sure you show some cleavage.
Still waters run deep with Capricorn males.
Your first dates will seem like business meetings, but eventually you will get to know him.
He is insecure about his emotions and likes to keep them under control.
Of course, he won't make this obvious.
Compliment him on his achievements and he will open up to you.
He would be strict as a parent, and holds very traditional beliefs about relationships. Don't be an airhead or aimless. He ! ;appreciates a hard-working woman, whom he can consider an equal. He does not know how to play, so you will have to lighten him up with your humorous antics and fun loving side. Once your Capricorn man commits, he will not leave you.
Divorce is a nasty word in his vocabulary. Capricorn males make good husbands and bread winners. They are extravagant with gifts to those whom they love.
Marriage will have to be his idea, not yours!


AQUARIUS FEMALE (January 21 -February 19)
If you are dating an Aquarius female, arrive in your restored classic. Wear a funky hat and clothes that shouldn't go together, but somehow do.
Take her to an out of the way coffee house, featuring jazz. Feel free to discuss anything and everything. She is an intelligent listener, and will have some bizarre insight of her own. You'll never truly understand her; so bring a tape recorder for instant replay to sort it out later. Aquarius women are unusual, not necessarily hippies, but aware of the entire globe.
She won't be ready to jump in the sack on the first date - she has to get to know you.
Be fascinating; tell her that you are going to Spain to run with the bulls.
Explain your philosophy on combining chemicals to combat radiation. Tell her about your thesis which was published in! the International Who Dunnit Magazine.
Don't tell her you are in love with her too soon. You will know when she has taken a strong liking to you. That is when your >Aquarius female will invite you to her abode. Then you will see the real Aquarius female. There will be many unusual pictures, and books. There is a story connected to all of her belongings. When your Aquarius female commits to you, she will not necessarily be ready for marriage. That is just her way of saying she likes you. You must have like minds, or there will be no future Mrs. Anybody!

AQUARIUS MALE (January 21 - February 19)
If you are dating an Aquarius male, consider yourself lucky to even get the first date.

Aquarius males don't date much. They would rather be an observer, hanging out on the scene. He would prefer to go to your house and have long talks into the night, an! d possibly just stay over. He may tell you that he just vide otaped an erotica video featuring wild animals at the zoo with some vacationing starlets.
He may stay at your house, never cook or clean, but just be there, when you come home from work. Then one day, without warning, he will be gone.
If he is employed, he can be quite selfish with his money.
He likes his freedom, in every way. Eventually he will call you, expect the unexpected with Aquarius. When Aquarius males fall in love, it is usually with someone who is intellectual, self-sufficient, and childless. Have a deep purpose or goal in life and he will be attracted to
your dreams. Aquarius males will marry, but they usually marry the wrong person the first time, and shy away from second marriages.
They love their mental freedom. Nagging won't change them. He won't care what race you are, how much you weigh, etc.
Mind-altering drugs can ruin an Aquarian male for marriage completely.
If he is more holistic, then he is searching for a soul mate.
Love yourself and your Aquarius male will too!


PISCES FEMALE (February 20 - March 20)
If you are dating a Pisces female, take her to a psychic fair, art gallery, or out for cocktails.
Don't take her to the animal shelter, or you will have a new pet.
You can wear anything you like, and you get to make all the decisions.
She pref! ers men with a passion about something, just believe in it.
Music is one of her favorites and dancing is definitely a MUST.
If you can't dance, take lessons.
Pisces females don't care if you are good looking - just have a heart.
A sense of humor is an asset, she has one too!
Her temperament is gentle, romantic, caring, compassionate, and spiritual.
You`ve got quite a glamorous sparkler on your hands!
She has confidence in herself, so support her in her dreams. She falls in love easily. Don't promise her a rose garden, if you don't mean it.
When you go to the movies, take tissues. It does not matter what the movie is about, she will inevitably cry, when something touches her.
Pisces females love everyone, even if they treated her badly.
She hates to see pain, but can drown in her own.
Be a positive kind of guy, and be romantic.
Yes, your Pisces woman will marry you. Pisces females have a hard time saying No!


PISCES MALE (February 20 - March 20)
If you are dating a Pisces male, it will be up to you to decide where to go, what to do, whose car to take. He likes music, alcohol, and strong-willed women.
He will do whatever you want. He has an extremely creative side, which takes precedence over his mundane duties of the everyday work world.
He could be happy being supported by you, because he would surrender all of himself to you and your causes. Pisces males are romantic, and hate to make decisions.
He does not want to displease you in any way. He donates to every solicitor knocking at the door. Pisces males are not normally good money managers, therefore, you get to.
He won't mind. He would give you every paycheck.
He loves you when you are dreamy and romantic, with the candles lit and soft music.
He will cook for you.! He dresses nicely and won't embarrass you in public.
If you want to marry this man, just take him home. He's yours.
Pisces males can't bear divorce. Marriage minded they are.
Pisces males function best with a partner!

Going Bananas

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting.
After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. < BR>
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

Ponder This

1. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

2. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

12. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

13. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS IT HOMELESS OR NAKED?

14. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

15. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

16. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

17. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

21. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

26. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Fierce Fleas

Flea Facts
When the weather turns warm, everybody comes out to play. And that includes most of the world's 1,350 varieties of fleas, which prefer temperatures of 80 to 85 degrees, and humidity of 75 percent to 85 percent.

By the time you've read this, a host of the little critters could be reading this over your shoulder. The familiar cat flea, which is found on both cats and dogs, has a vertically flattened body (for easy travel between hairs), 1/16th to 1/8th-inch long, with three sets of legs. Its spring-like hind legs can propel it 7 feet up or 13 feet forward. With the same capability, a human could jump 250 feet up or 450 forward.

Bugged!

When fleas disappear they mite be back in a tick.

Run Forrest Run

A jogger who over slept found him self running late.

Sweet Spuds

Baked Sweet Potatoes
4 good-sized sweet potatoes, washed and cleaned
3/4 cup low-fat sour cream
1/3 cup maple syrup
1/2 tablespoon powdered ginger
1/2 tablespoon nutmeg
salt and pepper to taste
butter
1. Preheat the oven to 400°. Slice each potato carefully in perfect halves and bake them for about 40 to 50 minutes until they are tender. Remove them from the oven and lower it to 350°.

2. With a spoon carefully scoop out the pulp or insides of the potatoes and put the pulp into a large bowl. Make sure the skins of the sweet potatoes remain intact. Mash the pulp with the help of a masher; add the sour cream, maple syrup, ginger, nutmeg, and salt and pepper, and mix this well.

3. Fill the sweet potato shells evenly with the pulp mixture. Put the potatoes in a buttered flat baking dish, and dot each half with a bit of butter. Place them in the oven and bake for about 25-30 minutes. (The potatoes are done when they turn brown on the top.)

Punny Stuff

Some bankers are generous to a VAULT.

Thought For The Day

Good looks catch the eye but a good personality catches the heart.

School Daze

I was in high school in 1977 and this sounds about right. Sad but true!

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak

Wrong Side Of The Bed

Ever hear that expression "Someone must have got up on the wrong side of the bed."?
I think that was me today. Maybe I even went to bed on the wrong side for all I know.
I'm grouchy and I feel like biting off everyone's head if they dare speak to me.

It started last night when a new friend I was trying to help said something that hurt my feelings. My response was to give them the silent treatment. I didn't want to say something I would regret so I just stopped talking to them. I couldn't sleep because I kept stewing over it and wound up watching TV until the wee hours.

Around ten this morning I'm still sleeping when I'm awaken by the door bell and loud pounding on my front door. I get up and answer it still rubbing my eyes and trying to fix my bed head hair. It's my aunt, come to tell me an uncle I haven't talked to or seen in 15-20 years has passed away. She gives me the details of the luncheon, visitation and funeral services set for Monday. I feel the guilt trip coming.

I am not a good morning person, especially without coffee and a cigarette. Auntie dislikes smokers and people who don't live farmers hours; up at first light, to bed at dark.(Guilt)I don't know why she didn't call or send an email. She said my line was always busy because I'm on the computer(guilt)and doesn't trust her emails to get to me. (another long guilt story)
I tell her I'm not awake yet and get a paper and pen so I can write the info down. She offers to pick me up on Monday morning to go early to help with the luncheon and attend the services at two. I tell her I'm not sure I want to turn this into an all day affair, I have to work too. (guilt) She wonders why my parents and brothers have not got in touch with me about all of this.(guilt) Don't I get the newspaper and read it?(guilt)My aunt gets up to leave and I follow her out to her car. I tell her I'll probably just go to the funeral and will talk to my bro about going together. She seems disappointed and says to let her know. (guilt)

Last Monday was my birthday. Dear, Auntie had stopped by with a card and a check for me(more than I had gotten from anyone else)the day after.(guilt) Later that night long lost uncle passes on and I don't find out until today, the 7th.

A local casino had sent me a birthday package gift; free slot play, a buffet dinner and a b-day T-shirt. I was going to go there today, take them up on the free-bees and have a relaxing day off. But oh no...(guilt)
My period starts, I feel tired and depressed now. I have coffee and a smoke and go outside and mess around with my flowers hoping to get myself back on track. It works for a few minutes. I come back in and watch PBS how-to shows, straighten up a bit. Still depressed, I go to my room and lay down and thumb through a magazine and end up bawling my eyes out and feeling like a miserable human being. I wake up four hours later and here I am, relating my tale of woe.
I am never getting out of that side of the bed again!

New Rules

> New Rule:
> Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I
> haven't talked to these people for 25 years.......because I don't
> particularly LIKE them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
> football team is doing these days.... he's mowing my freakin' lawn!!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
> spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to
> "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
> praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> HIGH!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
> it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
> the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
> giving, it's the white people's version of looting!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.....as
> in "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
> And I didn't really care in the first place!!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
> teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
> kids:
> Lucky Bastards.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a DOPE.
>
> If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
> If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
> eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Are they above the eyes? Okay, we're done.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
> crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
> but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
> Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
> bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will
> be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
> Security crisis!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
> walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
> iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
> with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ..........Ooh, you're a huge
> asshole.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
> entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
> no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
> supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy!

Anger Management

==========
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Old Glory

"THE FLAG over Fort McHenry in Baltimore, which inspired Francis Scott Key to write 'The Star-Spangled Banner' was immense, 30-by-74 feet."

This was during the War of 1812 against the British. A Baltimore widow sewed the flag for $405.90. It was commissioned by Major George Armistead "in the same defiant spirit that John Hancock once signed his name in bold letters to the Declaration of Independence."

House Hunting?

An heir of Romania's former royal family put "Dracula's Castle" in Transylvania up for sale Monday, hoping to secure a buyer who will respect the property and its history.
The Bran Castle, perched on a cliff near Brasov in mountainous central Romania, is a top tourist attraction because of its ties to Prince Vlad the Impaler, the warlord whose cruelty inspired Bram Stoker's 1897 novel, "Dracula."
Bran Castle was built in the 14th century to serve as a fortress to protect against the invading Ottoman Turks. The royal family moved into the castle in the 1920s, living there until the communist regime confiscated it from Princess Ileana in 1948.


After being restored in the late 1980s and following the end of communist rule in Romania, it gained popularity as a tourist attraction known as "Dracula's Castle."
Some 450,000 people visit the castle every year.

In May 2006, the castle was returned to Princess Ileana's son, Archduke Dominic Habsburg. No price was announced, though Gardner predicted the castle would sell for more than $135 million. He added that Habsburg will only sell it to a buyer "who will treat the property and its history with appropriate respect."

The Old Gal Hangs In Another Year

Today is my birthday.
47 years ago I made my debut into this world.
Antone want to help blow out all these candles?

Salute to Cancers

I'm a Cancer, born July 2,1960. I thought it would be interesting to see what other people share this astrological sign. I see that I'm in pretty good comapany. The ones in BOLD were born on July 2nd too.

Famous Cancerians-

Writers:
Pearl S. Buck, Neil Simon, Robert Heinlein, Irving Stone,
Ernest Hemingway, Nathaniel Hawthorne, George Orwell, Saul Bellow,
Franz Kafka, Hermann Hesse, Jean Cocteau, Jean-Paul Sartre, Cordwainer Smith,
Marshall McLuhan, Marcel Proust, John Ruskin, Theodore P. Toynbee

Producers, Directors and Playwrights:
Billy Wilder, Ingmar Bergman, Clifford Odets, Sydney Pollack, Mike Todd

Entertainers and Comedians:
Bill Cosby, Phyllis Diller, Robin Williams, Terry Thomas,
Redd Skelton, Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Bozo the Clown,
Mel Brooks, Cheech Marin, Buddy Rich, Milton Beryl,Phil Silvers,
Don Knotts, Anna Moffo, Pat Paulson, Dan Rowen, John Goodman

Actors:
Anthony Edwards, Steve Lawrence, Tab Hunter, Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks,
James Cagney, Donald Sutherland, Patrick Stewart, James Brolin, Tom Cruise,
George Hamilton, Spencer Davis, Ken Russell, Jan Michael Vincent, Slim Pickens,
Peter Lorre, Arthur Treacher, Yul Brynner, Ed Ames, Charles Laughton, Ted Cassidy,
Sylvester Stallone, Rosey Grier, Fred Gwynne, Freddie Prinze, Sabastian Cabot

Actresses:
Cheryl Ladd, Lindsay Wagner, Ginger Rogers, Olivia DeHavilland,
Pamela Anderson Lee, Meryl Streep, Jane Russell, Gina Lollabrigida, Kim Darby,
Susan Hayward, Meridith Baxter, Natalie Wood, Eva Marie Saint, Michelle Lee,
Theda Bara, Dorothy Malone, Polly Bergen, Karen Black, Janet Leigh, Leslie Caron,
Lisa Nicole Carson, Diahnn Carroll, Diana Rigg, Vikki Carr, Lucie Arnaz, Shelly Duvall,Genevieve Bujold, Anjelica Huston, Elizabeth McGovern, June Lockhart, Pat Hingle,Julia Duffy, Barbara Stanwick, Eleaner Parker, Harriet Nelson, Maureen Stapelton, Lindsey Lohan

Musicians, Composers, Lyrisists and Singers:
Mick Fleetwood, Christine McVie, Deborah Harry (Blondie), Cyndi Lauper, Linda Ronstadt,
Carly Simon, Della Reese, Lena Horn, Kris Kristofferson, Arlo Guthrie, Phoebe Snow,
Brian May (Queen), June Carter Cash, Ringo Starr, Oscar Hammerstein III, Joseph Holbrooke,
Mitch Miller, Gustav Mahler, Peter Murphy, Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Todd Rundgren,
Bill Wyman, Cat Stevens, Carlos Santana, Jeff Beck, Stephen Foster, Courtney Love,
Louis Armstrong, Nelson Eddy, PDQ Bach (Peter Schickele), Wilhelm Maler

Other Notable Entertainers:
Art Linkletter, Alex Trabek,
Doc Severinsen, Captain Kangaroo (Bob Keeshan),
P.T. Barnum, Richard Simmons

Talk Show Hosts:
Merv Griffith, Montel Williams, Geraldo Rivera

Pioneers and Inventors:
Inventor Nicoli Tesla, Photographic Pioneer George Eastman,
Johannes Gutenberg (inventor of the printing press), Helen Keller,
Astronaut John Glenn, Anne Lindbergh, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, John Paul Jones

Tycoons, Philanthropists and Financiers:
E.I Dupont, Nelson D. Rockefeller, Cecil J. Rhodes,
William Randal Hearst III, Ross Perot, Leona Helmsley,

Artists:
Andrew Wyeth, Marc Chagall, Rembrandt van Rijn, Edgar Degas,
Peter Paul Rubens, Jean Batiste Corot, Eugene-Louis Boudin, Camille Pissarro,
Max Liebermann, Joshua Reynolds, James Whistler, Amedeo Modigliano, Edward Hopper

Master Animators:
Max Fleischer, William Hanna, Oskar Fischinger, Len Lye

Fashion Designers:
Bill Blass, Peirre Cardin, Oscar de la Renta, Giorgio Armani

Super Models:
Jerry Hall, Kim Alexis, Hunter Tylo

Philosophers:
Henry David Thoreau, Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Newscasters, Journalists and Columists:
John Chancellor, David Brinkley,
Ambrose Bierce, Ann Landers, Abigail Van Buren

Publishers:
Malcolm "Steve" Forbes Jr., Nelson Doubleday

First Family Members:
Martha Washington, Rose Kennedy, Julie Nixon, Nancy Reagan

Political Figures and Royalty:
Alexander the Great, Henry VIII (June 28, 1491), Julius Caesar,
Princess Diana (July 1, 1961), Princess Margaret of Norway,
The Duke of Windsor, President Nelson Mandela (July 18),
President John Quincey Adams (July 4), President Calvin Coolidge,
President Gerald Ford, Henry Cabot Lodge Jr., George McGovern,
Janet Reno, Jack Kemp, Diane Feinstein, Ross Perot, Robert Reich,
Bob Dole, Jesse Ventura, S.I Hayakawa, Imelda Marcos, Kenneth Starr,
George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld

Other Notable Cancers:
Master Chef: James Beard,
Popcorn King: Orville Redenbacher,
Founder of Wendy's Fast Foods: David Thomas,
Choreographer & Director: Bob Fosse,
Dancer and Choreographer: Gower Champion,
Race Car Driver: Richard Petty
Yankee Owner: George Steinbrenner,
Computer Scientist: Peeter Madrus,
Law Professor & Legal Scholar: Anita Hill,
Psychologist: Dr. Joyce Brothers,
Physician and Researcher: Mary Calderone,
Cartoonist: Garry Trudeau "Doonsberry",
Fighter: Mike Tyson,
Propagandist: Tokyo Rose,
O.J. Simpson

Be Yourself

This above all, to thine own self be true,
and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.
- William Shakespeare