New Rules

> New Rule:
> Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I
> haven't talked to these people for 25 years.......because I don't
> particularly LIKE them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
> football team is doing these days.... he's mowing my freakin' lawn!!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
> spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to
> "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
> praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> HIGH!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
> it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
> the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
> giving, it's the white people's version of looting!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.....as
> in "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
> And I didn't really care in the first place!!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
> teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
> kids:
> Lucky Bastards.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a DOPE.
>
> If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
> If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
> eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Are they above the eyes? Okay, we're done.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
> crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
> but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
> Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
> bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will
> be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
> Security crisis!
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
> walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
> iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
> with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ..........Ooh, you're a huge
> asshole.
> *****
>
> New Rule:
> I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
> entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
> no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
> supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy!