Field Art

The Trucker and The Blonde

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting
for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"

Tips For The Gals

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8 . I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good-looking, sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!

BEHIND The Times

How quickly time flies... BUTT that can't be me!

Paul Newman

Paul Newman passed away today 9/27/08 at the age of 83.
The man was a true icon of film and philanthropy.
The films of Paul Newman include:

"The Silver Chalice," 1954.
"Somebody Up There Likes Me," 1956.
"The Rack," 1956.
"The Helen Morgan Story," 1957.
"Until They Sail," 1957.
"The Long Hot Summer," 1958.
"The Left-Handed Gun," 1958.
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," 1958.
"Rally 'Round the Flag, Boys!" 1958.
"The Young Philadelphians," 1959.
"From the Terrace," 1960.
"Exodus," 1960.
"The Hustler," 1961.
"Paris Blues," 1961.
"Sweet Bird of Youth," 1962.
"Hemingway's Adventures of a Young Man," 1962.
"Hud," 1963.
"A New Kind of Love," 1963.
"The Prize," 1963.
"What a Way to Go," 1964.
"The Outrage," 1964.
"Lady L," 1965.
"Harper," 1966.
"Torn Curtain," 1966.
"Hombre," 1967.
"Cool Hand Luke," 1967.
"The Secret War of Harry Frigg," 1968.
"Rachel Rachel," (director) 1968.
"Winning," 1969.
"Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," 1969.
"WUSA," 1970.
"Sometimes a Great Notion," 1971.
"Pocket Money," 1972.
"The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds," (director), 1972.
"The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean," 1972.
"The Mackintosh Man," 1973.
"The Sting," 1973.
"The Towering Inferno," 1974.
"The Drowning Pool," 1975.
"Silent Movie," (cameo), 1976.
"Buffalo Bill and the Indians ... or Sitting Bull's History Lesson," 1976.
"Slap Shot," 1977.
"Quintet," 1979.
"When Time Ran Out," 1980.
"Fort Apache The Bronx," 1981.
"Absence of Malice," 1981.
"The Verdict," 1982.
"Harry and Son," 1984.
"The Color of Money," 1986.
"Fat Man and Little Boy," 1989.
"Mr. & Mrs. Bridge," 1990.
"The Hudsucker Proxy," 1994.
"Nobody's Fool," 1994.
"Twilight," 1998.
"Message in a Bottle," 1999.
"Where the Money Is," 2000.
"Road to Perdition," 2002.
"Our Town," 2003.
"Empire Falls," 2005.
"Cars," (voice) 2006.

Nut Job Help Line

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

Literal

Some Helpful Rules for Better Writing:

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Don't use no double negatives.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell
me what you know."

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Audrey Hepburn's Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

'Senility Prayer'

God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Oldie But A Goodie

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24 Studebakers
25 Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Before Fast Food

'Hey Dad,' one of my kids asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to little league practice. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.'

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Porsche VS Hedgehog

Do you know the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?

The hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

* Just a little jab at my ex.
My hair looks like a hedgehog's and he drives a Porsche.

Dream

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

S.H.I.T.

In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be transported by ship and it was also
before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form
it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea)
hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane
gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can
see what could (and did) happen.?
Methane began to build up below decks and
the first time someone came below at night with a lantern,
BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this
manner before it was determined just what was happening?
After that, the bundles of manure were
always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit'
on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough
off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.



Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T '
(Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the
centuries and is in use to this very day.?
You probably did not know the true
history of this word.?

Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term?

Crab Nebula

Remembering 9-11

New Alaska License Plate

Funny Websites

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is

www.whorepresents.com


2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:www.expertsexchange.com


3.Looking for a great pen? Look no further than

' Pen Island '. It can be found at:www.penisland.net


4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com




5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out

at:www.powergenitalia.com


6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com


7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:

www.speedofart.com

Another Day Is Done

In the final analysis there is no solution to man's progress but the day's honest work, the day's honest decisions, the day's generous utterances and the day's good deed.
- Clare Booth Luce

Fairfield's First Friday Art Walk

At first glance, the town square to-do looks like every other small-town carnival.
A blues band pumps out tunes from the gazebo. Girl Scouts paint faces at a booth nearby. Kids are blowing bubbles, crafters are selling quilts, and community groups -the Lions, the Kiwanis, the Jaycees - are all here, serving up Sloppy Joes and ice cream and hefty slices of apple pie.

Unlike many festivals, however, Fairfield's First Friday Art Walks don't fade away from the calendar when the first leaves start to fall. The southeast Iowa town of 10,000 hosts thousands of visitors the first Friday of every month, come rain or shine or snow, for a party that reflects not only the community's Main Street charm but its unique mix of artists, health seekers and spiritual immigrants. The overall effect looks like something Norman Rockwell might have painted if he'd spent some time in the Peace Corps.

One vendor, for example, sells handwoven bags from Colombia. Someone else serves glasses of a cucumber-flavored potion called Binghimon Kukuumba Lime Juice near a tent where Deborah Williamson grills organic walnut burgers.

"That's what it's all about: experiencing the best of the community," said Williamson, who last year opened the organic, vegetarian restaurant Small Planet just off the square.

Art galleries, coffee shops, spas and more
On any given day, visitors to Fairfield can stroll through dozens of thriving art galleries, book stores and coffee shops. They can eat their fill at any of the vegetarian cafes scattered throughout downtown or stroll through the impressive Fairfield Arts and Convention Center that locals opened last year across from the Jefferson County Courthouse. Nearby in Vedic City, visitors can tour the spas, organic greenhouses and spiritually designed homes where the followers of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi practice Transcendental Meditation.

There's plenty to see any time of the year, but, said Williamson, "You gotta come on First Fridays. It's more fun than any other time."

The event began without a lot of fanfare in October 2002 when a group called ArtLife Society rounded up a few artists and gallery owners to promote local talent. There was a good crowd, but few predicted how the project would grow.

Abundant Life

The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of obstacles removed from their path by others. It develops from within and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber.
- William Mather Lewis

Celtic Art

The Celtic knot symbolizes eternity.