April 30th Events

This Day in History

On April 30
1789 George Washington took office as first U.S. president.
1803 The U.S. purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million.
1812 Louisiana admitted as the 18th U.S. state.
1889 Washington's inauguration became the first U.S. national holiday.
1943 The British submarine HMS Seraph drops 'the man who never was,' a dead man the British planted with false invasion plans, into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain.
1945 Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had been married for one day. One week later Germany surrendered unconditionally.
1948 The Organization of American States held its first meeting in Bogota, Colombia.
1967 Muhammad Ali was stripped of his world heavyweight boxing championship when he refused to be inducted into the U.S. military service. Ali claimed his religion conflicted with being inducted into the military.
1968 U.S. Marines attacked a division of North Vietnamese in the village of Dai Do.
1970 U.S. troops invaded Cambodia to disrupt North Vietnamese Army base areas. The announcement by U.S. President Nixon led to widespread protests.
1972 The North Vietnamese launched an invasion of the South.
1973 U.S. President Nixon announced the resignation of Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and other top aides.
1980 Terrorists seized the Iranian Embassy in London.
1997 ABC aired the "coming out" episode of the sitcom "Ellen." The title character, played by Ellen DeGeneres, declared she was a lesbian.
1998 In the U.S., Federal regulators fine a contractor $2.25 million for improper handling of oxygen canisters on ValuJet that crashed in the Florida Everglades in 1996.
2001 Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her remains were found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002. California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with Levy.
2002 Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was overwhelmingly approved for another five years as president.

Mushroom Season

It's that time of year! Mushroom season is in full swing now. This man is showing off a giant morel mushroom. These mushrooms are quite a delicacy and are only found in a few states.
My son found a small mess and cooked me up a batch the other night. Yum! What a treat. We slice them in half, roll them in an egg wash dip in flour and cracker crumbs and fry them. Chopping them up in scrambled eggs is also a favorite.

Pharmacology For Women

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Arbor Day

Today is National Arbor Day.
Plant a tree if you can, or just go out
and enjoy all the trees in your neighborhood.

Forget Me Not

Forget About It!
"Senior moments" are not usually signs of Alzheimer's disease, you'll be glad to hear.

Experts in aging say those kinds of memory lapses; the where-did-I-put-my-car-keys moments are universal by late middle age. And they arise from a different part of the brain than the region involved in the forgetfulness that is symptomatic of Alzheimer's.

People with Alzheimer's usually cannot recall ordinary nouns , like a fork or radio and they're less aware of their forgetfulness, say the experts.

And the one test of what type of forgetfulness you experience involves your reaction when you finally remember where you put the keys.

If you have a sense of recollection, "Oh, yes, the phone rang and I put them on the table" chances are about 95 percent that you're normal.

On the other hand, "People in the early stages of Alzheimer's tend not to have that sense of recollection, even when they're reminded."

My forgetfulness usually is something like going into a room and then not remembering why I went in there or having a name or a word on the tip of my tongue but not being able to remember it until ten minutes later. Those are my "Oh Duh!" moments. I wonder what that says about me.

Lifes Little Lessons

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6 You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.!
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48 If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

By Regina Brett ,The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Generally, I don't believe in the idea of a "quick fix" or instant gratification, but I have to say I was intrigued when I ran across an article about "7 Ways to Make Yourself Happier in the Next Hour." The author spent a year testing out the various theories of current scientific studies on happiness, and came up with seven points. Each of them can help lift your mood and give you a sense of accomplishment. I wanted to share them with you, so you can try them out for yourself.

The idea is to try to do as many of them as you can in an hour.

Boost your energy by getting up and moving around. Taking a brisk ten-minute walk is best, because when you are moving faster, your metabolism speeds up and the activity is good for your focus and mood and helps you retain information.

Reach out to friends. Arrange a lunch date or send an email to someone you haven't seen for a while. Socializing boosts moods and having close bonds with others is one of the keys to happiness.

Get an old task out of the way. If you've been procrastinating about a chore, tackle it now. Like making that doctor or dental appointment, or arranging to get broken equipment fixed. You'll feel a sense of relief and a burst of energy.

Create a calmer environment. Just clearing some space around you, or getting things in order will give you a sense of serenity.

Plan some future fun. Decide to get to that new movie, or order a book you've been wanting to read, or plan an activity with friends or family. Having fun on a regular basis is necessary to happiness, and anticipation is a part of that.

Do a good deed. Something as simple as holding a door for someone or offering praise can help, because the adage "do good, feel good" really works.

Act happy. Smile! Just going through the motion of happiness lifts your spirits and makes you more approachable.

Men Of Influence

To be or not to be, that is the question...

William Shakespeare was born this day April 23, 1564

It is amazing how much influence this one man had on the way we spoke and acted for the last 443 years.

**********
Former President Boris Yeltsin, who engineered the final collapse of the Soviet Union and pushed Russia to embrace democracy and a market economy has died.

Take a Lesson From Noah

===============================================================
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One:
Don't miss the boat.

Two:
Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three:
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four:
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five:
Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six:
Build your future on high ground.

Seven:
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight:
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
cheetahs.

Nine:
When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten:
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven:
No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow
waiting.

A Man With A Plan

You gotta love Robin Williams...
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our
UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."


1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7 -11 ca shiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything. & lt; /B>

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Case Closed!!

Flower Power

I did it....went and bought my flowers to put in my pots and planters out on my patio. I browsed amoung the plants for about an hour trying to decide what I wanted.
I went with a mix of pink, purple, yellow, orange and white flowers; pansies, marigolds, petunias, allysum, impatiens and some varigated green plants to mix in.

I dumped out the old soil from all the pots and mixed it with some fertilized potting mix. I repotted all of my house plants and set them outside. Then I began the task of selecting what went where. I made a big mess in the garage, but I got everything planted and placed out on the patio.

I drug out the chairs and table and sat down, drank a beer and admired my handywork.
I can hardly wait for the flowers to grow and show off their blooms. It was a beautiful day to be outside. Going to top off the outdoor theme and grill some chicken on the BBQ.

My soul is saying AHHHH!

Can You Say Duh?

How do they Survive?


ONE:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve", was
the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right". So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO:
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items And the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the divider looking it all over for the bar
code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do
you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't
think I'll buy that today". She said OK, and I paid her for the things and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE:
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy Drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.

FOUR:
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car". "Do
you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno." "Do you have an alarm, too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."

FIVE:
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

SIX:
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise
control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?

EIGHT:
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander
on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message He's lying was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE:
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher
tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother
says, "I just gave him some ant killer...."
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!


Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

Food Orgy

I was asked this question the other day. My reply follows.

If you knew you were going to die in your sleep tonight...what would you have for dinner as your last meal and what would you drink with it?


Oh my...my favorite way to croke...gorge yourself to death.
First I'd put on my stretchy pants.

I'd start off with a bowl of smoked almonds and dried apricots with Seagram's VSO on the rocks.
Then I'd move on to coconut shrimp, stuffed mushrooms, beer batter onion rings and chicken taquittos washed down with an ice-cold Blue Moon beer.

Next.. grilled garlic and mushroom filet of beef, crispy hashbrowns with cheddar cheese, griller chicken breast with bacon avocado and swiss cheese, a side of pasta alfredo, fresh steamed green beans with onions and bacon, scalloped corn bread casserole, shaved ham and cream cheese rolled around a sweet pickle and southwest style egg rolls with ranch dressing, served with a nice bottle of Merlot.

And for dessert....pecan pie with whipped cream, German Chocolate cake, hot fudge sundae with nuts and a cherry, apple strudel, pumpkin bars, strawberries and cream, chocolate mousse,slice of watermelon, fresh pineapple, cheese cake with blueberries, warm oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, a sticky cinnamon roll with pecans and coconut cream pie...all washed down with Irish coffee.
I'll pass out in front of the fireplace with my last snifter of brandy...
Wow that was a meal to die for. lol ;o)

Peace

Stop The Madness

33 dead, including the shooter, a South Korean, on the VA Tech Campus yesterday. This morning a bomb threat at a college near Austin, TX.
What is going on with this senseless violence? What drives a person to do such a thing? Is it because they are hurting, so everyone else must hurt too?
Our society is fading fast, when all we can think to do when we have problems is to kill. I'm sure this will be discussed for a long time.
It does make the whole Don Imus situation pale in comparison.
I'm still shaking me head.
My prayers are with the families of the victims.

Buckle Up

Some things are the same the world over, or so it seems.

According to the Journal of the Medical Association of Thailand, researchers at Mahidol University in Bangkok were studying seat belt use among local drivers, and here's what they found:

Fewer than a third of drivers wore seat belts.
Drivers of pick-up trucks were less likely to wear safety restraints than automobile drivers.
Women were more likely to wear seat belts than men.
The most common reasons given for not wearing the belts:

Uncertainty that they actually did any good.
Discomfort.
The belief that they weren't needed when traffic was moving so slowly.


I think NJ Governor Corzine wishes he had been wearing his seat belt when he was in an accident over the weekend. He is in critical condition with broken ribs, breast bone and collar bone which damaged his lungs. Sounds like he slammed into the dashboard and smashed himself good. The ironic thing was he was the passanger of an SUV being driven by a state trooper.

Hey Buddy! "Click it or ticket." That is Iowa's seat belt safety slogan.
It has became a habit for me to buckle up when ever I'm in a car. I don't even think about it anymore. Besides saving an $83 ticket, you save a life.

Mystery of Friday the 13th

I forgot to post this earlier, but hope it answers some of your questions concerning the myths about the date.

--------------------------------------

The power of Friday the 13th is serious business! Whether you believe in superstitions or not, their power to affect innumerable aspects of every day life is undeniable.

For example, baseball, "America's game," is famous for its superstitions. In 1996 John Wetteland, closing pitcher for the New York Yankees, refused to change his cap for the entire regular and post baseball season. He ended up leading the Yankees to their first World Series win since 1978, broke an eighteen-year streak of bad luck, and was ultimately voted Most Valuable Player of the championship series.

Streets named by numbers often skip the number 13, and in high rise buildings, the twelfth floor is almost always followed immediately by the 14th floor. The 13th floor is simply "skipped" over or given a "safer" label.

Science itself has proven the power of superstitions in
general and of Friday the 13th in particular...

Every Friday the 13th coincides with a measurable economic downturn. On that day people tend to avoid travel, business transactions, and contact with the outside world. As a result the restaurant, vacation, and entertainment industries lose billions of dollars.

But there's more to it than just people's fears. Scientific studies performed in Britain proved that although fewer people drive on Friday the 13th, the number of collision-related hospital admissions is significantly greater than on normal Fridays.

Are people just driving "spooked" on Friday the 13th...so that they're jittery and more prone to foolish mistakes? Does the economy take a dip because nervous people simply stay home? Do superstitious practices just enhance a baseball player's sense of security and confidence and help him succeed?

Possibly, but I think it's something more than that, don't you?



The legend of the number 13 itself goes back to 600 B.C. and the philosophy of Pythagoras, who believed that 13 did not mean a cutoff, but rather a chance for evolution and change. It did not point to warnings of endings but rather to new beginnings. Thus, it was a number to be favored and a favorable date on which to enter this world.

Friday the 13th was also a holy day in the Church. A true miracle occurred at St. Paul's Cathedral, in London, on Friday the 13th in December, 1940. The lives of hundreds of people were saved when the famous church remained untouched during one of the worst air raids in the history of World War II.

This magical day has even made baseball history! On Friday, April 13, 1984, Pete Rose hit a double off Jerry Koosman in Olympic Stadium to become only the second player to reach the 4,000-hit level, after Ty Cobb.

Show Me The Money

Face Off

No cheating, answer without pulling out some money or looking it up. Whose face is on the following US currency?

$1 bill
$2
$5
$10
$20
$50
$100

Answer:
$1 george washington $2 Thomas jefferson $5 Abraham Lincoln $10 Alexander Hamilton $20 Andrew jackson $50 Ulyssess S Grant $100 Benjamin franklin

Sonic

Friday The 13th

Did you pull yourself out from the covers to face the dreaded Friday The 13th?
I may be superstitious about a few other things, but this day is not one of them.

I have to admit I was a little bit scared first thing this morning when I looked in the mirror and saw the SONIC HEDGEHOG starring back at me. MY hair was all spiked up and back; severe bedhead syndrome. The topper to that was I discovered good ol' Aunt Flo decided to visit.

Pehaps I might have to re-think this situation. NO, this is going to be a great day, my horoscope confirmed it. Ha Ha! Let me know how you fared. Take care my friends.

Very Punny Tax Time Geography

I think Iowa 'bout five dollars in sales Texas.

April Showers

April showers bring May flowers is an old expression we hear in the Spring.
But, this time we got a different kind of shower, a SNOW shower.
I think it's a late April Fools joke. As I look out the window I see a blanket of snow covering the tender green grass and some frost-bit flowers.
This time of year I'm usually chomping at the bit to set out my pots of flowers and plant some seeds. I'm glad I held off this year.
I should get outside and make my last snow angel of the season. Hah!
Next week it will probably be 75 and tornados will be in the forecast.
You never know what you'll wake up to in Iowa.

Hallmark Moments

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

----------------- ---------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

``````````````````````````````````````````````

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

The Single Women's Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
He’s not afraid to admit when he is wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait 6 weeks


I pray that he is gainfully employed.
Won’t lose his cool when he’s annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door.
Massages my back & begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows what to say when I ask “How fat is my behind?”


One who’ll make love till my body’s a itchin’.
He brings ME a sandwich too when he goes to the kitchen.


I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And would never compare me with my best friend.


Thank you in advance and now I’ll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it’s too late.

Amen

Bumper Snickers

BUMPER STICKERS WE JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS!

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little CHLORINE

You're just jealous because the voices are talkin to me and not u!

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up your soccer mom

Grow your own dope ... plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some just make better pets

Some people are only alive because its illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke!

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live

Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes

GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Boldly going nowhere

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

The proctologist called, they found your head.

Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp

Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me"

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.

CAUTION - Driver legally blond

HAPPY EASTER

I died laughing...

Hot Chicks

The Chicken Or The Egg

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

Say Cheese!

Smile! Did you ever have a stranger come up to you and say that? Well, I did. I was waiting in line at the bank the other day, and someone said that to me. She also added, "Things can't be that bad, can they?" Now, I wasn't feeling bad about anything – just thinking something through. But I guess I must have had a serious expression on my face.

Now, I don't think anyone can go around smiling all the time, but I've discovered that smiling can do quite a lot for you. First, it makes you more attractive. People are more drawn to others who smile, and smiling can be contagious. It also uses quite a few muscles in the face and makes you look younger. I'm all for that! Who needs a face lift when they can smile instead?

When you're stressed, you can look tired or worn down. And there again, smiling not only makes you look better, but the simple act of smiling can actually help relieve stress and lower your blood pressure. It can also boost your immune system to work better, probably because you are more relaxed. This in turn helps your body release good things like endorphins, natural painkillers, and serotonin, all of which make you feel better and raise your spirits.

Smiling can even help you be more successful. When you smile, you appear confident, and it's only natural that people react to that. When a quick smile can help boost your energy, your looks, and your confidence, there are so many reasons to smile. Why not do a smile "check" throughout the day? It will help keep your mood and energy up, where they belong.

Learning Curve Went Off The Road

Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by
children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

A lawyer Joke for Willy

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."

Full Moon

Take a look at the sky this evening and take in the glorious full moon.
That lunar orb holds me spellbound every month. Even from an early age I was always facinated with the moon and it's cycles. There is something powerful and mysterious about the moon that holds my attention.

April Fools Day

The history of April Fool's Day or All Fool's Day is uncertain, but the current thinking is that it began around 1582 in France with the reform of the calendar under Charles IX. The Gregorian Calendar was introduced, and New Year's Day was moved from March 25 - April 1 (new year's week) to January 1.
Communication traveled slowly in those days and some people were only informed of the change several years later. Still others, who were more rebellious refused to acknowledge the change and continued to celebrate on the last day of the former celebration, April 1. These people were labeled "fools" by the general populace, were subject to ridicule and sent on "fool errands," sent invitations to nonexistent parties and had other practical jokes played upon them. The butts of these pranks became known as a "poisson d'avril" or "April fish" because a young naive fish is easily caught. In addition, one common practice was to hook a paper fish on the back of someone as a joke.

This harassment evolved over time and a custom of prank-playing continue on the first day of April. This tradition eventually spread elsewhere like to Britain and Scotland in the 18th century and was introduced to the American colonies by the English and the French. Because of this spread to other countries, April Fool's Day has taken on an international flavor with each country celebrating the holiday in its own way.

In Scotland, for instance, April Fool's Day is devoted to spoofs involving the buttocks and as such is called Taily Day. The butts of these jokes are known as April 'Gowk', another name for cuckoo bird. The origins of the "Kick Me" sign can be traced back to the Scottish observance.

In England, jokes are played only in the morning. Fools are called 'gobs' or 'gobby' and the victim of a joke is called a 'noodle.' It was considered back luck to play a practical joke on someone after noon.

In Rome, the holiday is known as Festival of Hilaria, celebrating the resurrection of the god Attis, is on March 25 and is also referred to as "Roman Laughing Day."

In Portugal, April Fool's Day falls on the Sunday and Monday before lent. In this celebration, many people throw flour at their friends.

The Huli Festival is celebrated on March 31 in India. People play jokes on one another and smear colors on one another celebrating the arrival of Spring.

So, no matter where you happen to be in the world on April 1, don't be surprised if April fools fall playfully upon you.