PMS

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS:Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE:Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Sinful

Put an X next to each that applies to you and the area with the most checks is your sin.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. (Pride is my biggest sin.)


----------------------- ----------------------- ---
[SEVEN DEADY SINS] - Which one are you?

I. pride
[ ] i have a hard time admitting i was wrong
[ ] you can never say anything bad about me
[ ] i hate saying sorry
[ ] i never show emotions
[ ] i tend to blame stuff on other people
[ ] i'm my own best friend
[ ] i'll hurt people fighting for what i believe in
[ ] i'm proud of my background
[ ] i brag
total:

II. envy
[ ] i'm always thinking about what i don't have
[ ] i'm always thinking of ways to change
[ ] i want what my friends have
[ ] i have stolen from a friend
[ ] i often find myself saying "but she has it, why can't i?"
[ ] i think a lot of peoples lives are perfect besides my own
[ ] i know i envy people
total:

III. rage
[ ] i often find myself slaming doors and screaming
[ ] my parents or friends make me so angry!
[ ] i normally end up crying
[ ] people often say my facial expression is angry looking even when i'm not
[ ] people are scared of my temper
[ ] someone wants me to see a anger manager
[ ] you have passionate outburst of anger
total:

IV. sloth
[ ] i'm lazy
[ ] i don't care if others need me to work for them, i won't
[ ] i won't go out of my way to help someone
[ ] i don't think i'll ever have a good job
[ ] i don't have a work ethic, at all
[ ] i expect stuff to be given to me without having to work for it.
[ ] i've been told that i think i'm too good for people
total:

V. greed
[ ] i don't like spending my money on people
[ ] i never have or will give to a charity
[ ] i never give to homeless people on the streets
[ ] i would say i'm more of a taker then i giver
[ ] i always want more then i have
[ ] i only say thank you if someone does something really nice
[ ] my saddness always needs company
total:

VI. gluttony
[ ] i use my friends
[ ] i always have high expatations
[ ] i always want more of something, if i can have one pizza, i want two.
[ ] i think a lot of things are a disappointment
[ ] i use the words "must" "have to" "want" and "need" a lot
[ ] i would say i'm high maintenence
[ ] i can see myself as a princess or king of the house
total:

VII. lust
[ ] i have been called a tease or a slut, not as a joke
[ ] i have plenty of boy toys (or girl toys)
[ ] if i kiss someone, it dosen't mean i want them
[ ] i tend to put people in akward situations
[ ] my favorite color is red
[ ] i like to dangle things in front of people as if to say "you want, but can't have"
[ ] i would rather have lust then true love.
total:

Passion Color

Your Passion is Green. For you, sex is always fresh and new.You approach sex with innocence, even if you aren't as innocent as you seem!Gentle and slow, you aren't exactly known for your passion.But what you lack in smooth moves, you make up for in sweet charm.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourpassionquiz/">What Color Is Your Passion?

Old Lady Quips

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened.

Geriatric Humor

87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself. Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."

New Immigration Plan

New Immigration Plan...
Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America, then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq, and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.

No Speakah De English

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops, and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them
ignores them at first; but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public
places about our sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta
sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi!"
I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN.

Word Of The Day

FASTIDIOUS -
careful with details, meticulous, punctilious.

Tid Bits Of Trivia

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Peanuts are an ingredient of Dynamite. Winstong Churchill was born in a Ladies Room. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Sharks are the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Over The Hump And Happy

I'm 46 and living proof.......
Life really does begin after 45, it seems.
And if you want the proof, here's a recent report from the Journal of Advanced Nursing, in which researchers from the College of Nursing at Arizona State University measured the stress levels and personality traits of 299 women of various ages
What they found is encouraging:
Women between ages 18 and 29 were under high stress, and had poor personality traits. Result: poor health, both physically and emotionally.
Between ages 30 and 45, stress levels generally went up, but women with strong personality traits saw their way through it all, and they were healthier than when they were younger.
Once past 45, emotional stress levels declined, while the healthy personalities became better still.
This info makes me think of the scene from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates character rams these two young babe's car after they steal her parking spot. The younger lady says " Too bad lady, we're younger and faster." after stealing the space. Then, after ramming the young women's car several times Kathy's character yells back saying. "Sorry girls, I'm older and I have more insurance."
Like the old adage says....older and wiser. :o)

Pass The Remote

Hit the mute button for a moment of silence: The co-inventor of the TV remote, Robert Adler, has died.
Adler, who won an Emmy Award along with fellow engineer Eugene Polley for the device that made the couch potato possible, died Thursday of heart failure at a Boise nursing home at 93. In his six-decade career with Zenith, Adler was a prolific inventor, earning more than 180 U.S. patents. He was best known for his 1956 Zenith Space Command remote control, which helped make TV a truly sedentary pastime.

Chinese New Year

In honor of the Chinese New Year ( the year of the pig or boar) here are some Chinese proverbs to contemplate.

Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways goingto Bangkok *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! But next to bestthing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine whois left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw tofill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes inbasement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Court Jester

Things said in the courtroom:

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" * Witness: "Yes, sir." * Lawyer: "What did she say?" * Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" * Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
* Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?" * Witness: "Oral." * Lawyer: "How old are you?" * Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Legal Woes

A friend of mine who works as a legal secretary was handling the disposition of a will. Because of the size of the estate involved, she and her boos spent several days on paper work with the widow. Afterward, her boss wearily remarked that settlement of the estate had entailed an unusual amount of effort. "Yes, it did," said the widow, sighing. "You know, sometimes I just wish that John hadn't died."

Happy Heart Day

Happy Valentines Day

I had fun handing out Valentine kisses at work today.
I loved the look on peoples faces when I asked if they had had their kiss today, then gave them a Hershey's candy Kiss.

It was fun watching harried hubbies scurry for their last-minute flowers and cards too.

Have you ever noticed how many people say ValenTIME instead of Valentine.

4 Letter Words

I was just thinking about four letter words and how we usually associate them with something naughty or bad. I found that these words usually had another four letter word that meant the opposite. Here is what I came up with. Can you think of any more?

Hate - Love
Take - Give
Work - Play
Hide - Seek
Shut - Open
Ugly - Cute
Fake - Real
Wont - Will
Push - Pull
Less - More

This Day In History

On February 11
1858
A French girl, Bernadette Soubirous, claimed to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Lourdes.
1892
Pike's Peak (Colorado) is set aside as a forest preserve.
1922
Insulin is discovered by Canadian surgeon Frederick Banting and his assistant Charles Best.
1937
General Motors agreed to recognize the United Automobile Workers Union, thereby ending the current sit-down strike against them.
1942
The comic book, "Archie" makes its debut.
1945
During World War II, the Yalta Agreement was signed by U.S. President Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin.
1956
The man that would one day be my ex-husband (Gerry) was born in Omaha, NE. Happy 51st
1960
Jack Paar walked off while live on the air on the "Tonight Show," with four minutes left. He did this in response to censors cutting out a four-minute joke from the show the night before.
1968
The new 20,000 seat Madison Square Garden officially opened in New York. This was the fourth Garden.
1975
Margaret Thatcher becomes the first female leader of a British political party when she is elected leader of the Conservative Party.
1979
Nine days after the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini returned to Iran (after 15 years in exile) power was seized by his followers.
1984
The tenth Space Shuttle mission returned to Earth safely.
1990
After 27 years in prison, South African opposition leader Nelson Mandela is released.
1993
Janet Reno was appointed to the position of attorney general by U.S. President Clinton. She was the first female to hold the position.
2000
The space shuttle Endeavor took off. The mission was to gather information for the most detailed map of the earth ever made.
2000
Great Britain suspended self-rule in Northern Ireland after the Irish Republican Army (IRA) failed to begin decommissioning (disarming) by a February deadline.
2002
The six stars on NBC's "Friends" signed a deal for $24 million each for the ninth and final season of the series.

Sounds Familiar

The electric shaver maker wanted a razor else he'd quit.

Who's Got Your Back

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,and two claimed that he was still there.

Rest In Peace

RIP
Anna Nicole Smith
(Vicky Lynn Hogan)
Nov. 28, 1968 - Feb. 8, 2007

Hand Art

Trippin'

Hawaii vacationers are here today, gone to Maui.

Rocks Pebbles & Sand

A College professor teaching a course on time management set a large jar on his desk and filled it with big rocks. He asked his students, "Is the jar full?" They said yes. Then he poured a bag of small gravel into the jar. He asked, "Is the jar full?" and again received a "yes" answer. Then he poured a bag of sand and a pitcher of water until all the crevices of the jar were filled. Then he asked, "All right, what does this illustration teach us?" One student replied, "That's easy. It teaches us that no matter how busy your life is, you can always make room for more." "No, you missed the point completely!" the Professor said. "This teaches us that if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." This is a great life lesson. The big rocks are life's priorities and they have to be first on our schedules or they'll get crowded out by other things.

Word Of The Day

meraki [may-rah-kee] (adjective)
This is a word that modern Greeks often use to describe doing something with soul, creativity, or love -- when you put "something of yourself" into what you're doing, whatever it may be. Meraki is often used to describe cooking or preparing a meal, but it can also mean arranging a room, choosing decorations, or setting an elegant table.

Senior Smarts

A friend and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
She replied, "Yes, that's true."
I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5 They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

A Bit O' Trivia

Question: In 1930 Fred Newton swam 742 hours over six months, taking the record for the world`s longest swim. What body of water did he swim in?







Answer: Mississippi River

Super Bowl Sunday

The most watched television day of the year, Super Bowl Sunday. A truely American tradition of gathering with friends and family, eating, drinking and rooting for your team. It brings to mind the Roman gladiator contests, where thousands would gather to watch a test of will and skill.
This will be the first time in many years I will miss this fun and exciting party. I have to work. Bah! With any luck I will make it home to see the final showdown of the last few minutes. I hope it is a good, close game, with lots of action and not a blow out.
I don't think I'll miss the half time show with Prince, as I've never been a big fan. I will miss laughing at the infamous Super Bowl commercials. This year several sponsors held contests, letting Average Joes make their own commercials and the winner's spots will appear on air.
I like the Colts, but I have a strange feeling this may be the Bear's year. We shall see what the score board tells us when the last seconds run out.
My score prediction: Colts 31 Bears 24

Language 101

Aoccdrnig to a rseaecrh at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iparmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wioutht porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Belated Birthday

Yesterday, February first was my niece Holly's birthday.
Hope you had a great day my little redheaded sweetie pie.

Holiday

It's Ground Hogs Day. Don't you think it's the most stupid holiday America celebrates?
I don't care what the ground hog thinks about our weather. He's probably blind anyway. We always have 6 more weeks of Winter.
That's what the calendar and the temperatures say. Duh!
The movie Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray was stupid too.
Who the heck thought this stuff up? What next, Bull Frog Day?

It's also Wear Red Day, raising awareness of heart disease in women. Put on something red to show you care.

This Day In History

On February 2
1536
The Argentine city of Buenos Aires was founded by Pedro de Mendoza of Spain.
1887
The beginning of groundhog day in Punxsutawney, PA.
1897
The Pennsylvania state capitol in Harrisburg was destroyed by fire. The new statehouse was dedicated nine years later on the same site.
1900
Six U.S. cities, Boston, Detroit, Milwaukee, Baltimore, Chicago and St. Louis, agreed to form baseball's American League.
1913
Grand Central Terminal opens in New York City.
1962
For the first time in 400 years, eight of the nine planets in the solar system line up.
1967
The American Basketball Association was formed by representatives of the NBA.
1981
"Late Night with David Letterman" premiered on NBC.
1985
O.J. Simpson and Nicole Brown are married in Brentwood, California.
1996
Congress votes to rewrite the 61-year-old Communications Act. Companies in the television, computer, and telephone industries are now allowed to enter and compete in each other's fields under the new Telecommunications Act.
1998
President Clinton introduced the first balanced budget in 30 years.
1999
Hugo Chávez Frías took office. He had been elected president of Venezuela in December 1998.

Darwinism

If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once a week.
- Charles Darwin

The Flock Gathers

After nearly 30 years, California's classic rock group the Eagles may soon release their first album of all-new music.
Founding member Don Henley said that the band was nearing completion on an album of all-new material.
"It's coming out in 60 to 90 days, if we don't kill each other first," said Henley.

"The Long Run" in 1979 was the Eagles last album featuring all-new studio material. That album included the Grammy-winning single "Heartache Tonight."
The group officially disbanded in 1982, then they reunited in 1994 for a comeback tour featuring Henley, Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, Timothy Schmit and Don Felder.
The band appeared together again in 1998, with past members Bernie Leadon and Randy Meisner, when they were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I can hardly wait. :o)

Sex Under The Stars

VIRGO(aug 23-sep 22)
This is the MOST confused sign on the planet. This sign is pretty realistic: No Frills. They love to fuck in showers not because it's kinky...but because of hygenic reasons...they are big into sanitary issues. Every Virgo I have ever met has issues...always going back to hygiene. They have to arrange time in their busy schedules to have sex...But when a reservation is made...You had better be there on time, if not a little early. With flowers. And Clean. Virgos want to make their partner happy. That's it. USUALLY. You will always get a freaky Virgo. Even so, they will TRY to get YOU to cum. And if they can't make you cum, they will buy someone or something that will. Yes you read that right. They LIVE to masturbate...whether its you rubbing them, them rubbing you...them rubbing against your fox fur coat...whatever! Some Virgos WANT to be punished. They will do naughty things to be caught so they can be punished. They are perfect for Aries who want to punish SOMEBODY. Anybody! Pretend rape scenes also turn on Virgos. As long as they know they are secretly safe. If you have ever seen the Carnival Rape scene in 'Henry & June' this is a Virgo wet dream. Also all Virgos like to see Camel Toes...what's up with that? Sherlock Holmes was probably a Virgo...or a repressed Gemini.
----------------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------- Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
--Don't tease them. It will only piss them off. Taureans are realists. If you say that you are horny: Prepare to be fucked. Taureans are heavy indulgers, though. All forms of indulgence: Sex-drugs-wine-food. ..whatever their vice may be: they simply cannot get enough. They do not believe in moderation. They will fuck until they are sore. Taurus likes to have sex just for the sake of having sex. What they lack in originality, they make up for in stamina and endurance. Okay...so they may not be into bondage, okay? But they WILL lick you until you have at least three orgasms or until you pass out...whichever comes first. Taurus uses their tongue for EVERYthing...and I mean that. They love to lick people in whipped cream, alcohol, chocolate, flesh and candy???Bring it on! Caution: They are looking for a relationship so be kind to them. They also have a BIG wet thing for scent. Sometimes they don't want a lover to bathe before sex. Or you may find them shaggin in a garden or a greenhouse...to smell the dirt: After all, they are Earth signs.
------------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- --------------- Aries (March 21- June-5)
LIVES for head massages. ANY part of their head: Lips, Eyelids, Eyes, Tongue, you name it! Aries also likes to fuck in public places during business hours. You need to be open minded with an Aries...If you don't feel like being duct taped to a wall and beaten with live ferrets: Tell Them. Be warned! IF you don't want to be kinky, don't be with an Aries. If you say 'No' too often to them you may lose them as a lover forever. Aries Idea of Heaven Is: Participating in live sex shows for money. Having their favorite human toy win first place in a pony boy/girl race. Fucking as an art form on display in a gallery. They secretly crave to be strippers or Annie Sprinkle. Aries LIVES to be jealous...they also like to coordinate other people fucking. Secretly desire to be fluffers. Aries owned a Violet Wand before it was popular. They are also Sadists. The best gift to give an Aries is designer colored nylon rope in their favorite color. They live to tease and torture...HEY... Somebody's gotta do it, right? They like hair pulling. Beware of their 'toy' collections. Don't tease them...they will rape you. They love pony boys and girls...I cannot emphasize this enough! They like it doggie style especially if they are steering. Give an Aries 100 feet of rope and a 250 dollar flogger, they will follow. As long as they get to be the one holding the handle.
--------------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------------------ Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Ever heard the saying "Been there. Done that?" chances are it came from a Gemini. They are always changing...they are the eternal Chameleon. You never know who you are fucking that day. They have had sex. A lot of sex. Probably because they are in a constant state of flux...always looking for the new high. The biggest turn on for a Gemini is: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. Here is just a smattering of places that I know Geminis have fucked: In the elevator of the moseleum of Forest Lawn Cemetary DURING A FUNERAL. Wine cellars in nightclubs. Vip Areas of Theatres. Public Parks. The 18th Hole of a private golf course. In the center of a race track just as the flag was going up. On various Gym equipment at numerous health spas. A football stadium during the SuperBowl. A Balcony railing at Mardis Gras in the French Quarter...just to name a few. If it's shiny...they will want it. They are big on DRAMA so be prepared for them to set the mood for sex no matter WHERE you might end up. They WILL take the initiative. They live off their charm. If they are male and gay they will still be the greatest fuck your female friend has ever had. Go figure. They are also Voyeurs but always willing to lend a hand ... or any other part of anatomy. If they are depressed, suck on their fingers, that always seems to cheer them up. Their goal is to fuck in the front row of the OSCARS when the cameras pans on them so that they can wave.
--My sign-- ;o)
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -- 69
This is the sign that needs to be cuddled. They may believe that they were born in the wrong period or century. They DWELL in the past...Vi ctorian...Roman...Medieval...You name it. They usually will only fuck at night...come to think of it...they fuck better at night anyway. Maybe its because they are ruled by the Moon. This is a sign that is looking for TRUE love...I mean REAL TRUE DEEP LOVE...that 'Romancing The Stone' Frikkin 'Wuthering Heights' kind of love. They probably cry at the end of any Jane Austen flick. They want to be swept off of their feet. They really do deserve it, too. They are constantly dumped on by previous past fucktard ex lovers that think they own them. Sometimes Cancers pick the wrong guy/girl and get beat up or emotionally hurt. Why? They think its what they deserve. Which is bullshit. They are wonderful people. They love water sports (jacuzzi s/pools/showers/saunas/bathouses...) They want to be comfortable while fucking...oh sure the foreplay may have had you bent over a barstool...but when you get home they want comfy couches, beds, fluffy pillows, anything soft and fuzzy that is not a pet. Cancerians also have a horrible tendency to misplace their clothing. Highly Exhibitionistic. They live for Oral...as long as it tastes good. Karma Sutra honey dust is a good start...mints...ice cream..anything with sugar...fruit...Don't rush them they smolder. But when you get started, be ready for a long night. They like to play with ice cubes, too. Also nipples are a BIG thing for Crabs...they all secretly wish to get their nipples pierced. Can be submissive highly. Masturbation is where they get their bonus points at. Be warned: They like 'em YOUNG...so you better be ready to dress up like an Animation school boy/girl with a whip to keep 'em. haha... it's all true !! lol
------- ----------------------- ----------------------- ---------------------- Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)--
Let the games begin! Libra will try anything once. Twice to make sure they liked it. Three times to be absolutely sure. Do not touch a Libra's head during oral sex...that may work with an Aries, but not here. Libras LOVE giving oral - They LOVE getting it , too. But don't feel like they get enough...too bad, because they sure as hell are getting enough of everything else. They will buy toys to make YOU use it on THEM. Libras are mental creatures that believe in living and fulfilling fantasies that they haven't done in real life...which is rare because they have done almost EVERYTHING. They have no problem sploshing. To them, sitting in a pie COULD be fun. Porn? Bring it on! Sex, video AND food? ALRIGHT! They are heavily exhibitionistic by accident. They are accident prone, they lose bras, underware, condoms....they also accidentally end up in bed with people. Amazing how THAT works! They like to cross dress. Both sexes do this quite well, actually. Male Librans are mistaken for women all the time, and Female Libras are mistaken for men every now and again too...its because they are under the goddess Aphrodite. They are never just ONE sex. They can always feel what the opposite sex feels. Which is why they are rarely clingy, except in rare circumstances when they have been led on, then watch the manipulative side of the scales swing. They love to role play and play dress up. They like to dress like hookers or Queen Elizabeth (This is the men, too!) Who are they really? It depends on what day of the week it is. They believe that life is too short to date ugly people in more ways than one. So if you are being shagged by a Libra, there is a good reason. Whether you are attractive physically, emotionally, mentally or have a fantastic sense of humor, there is always a reason for a Libra to be fucking you. But they HATE vulgarity. They despise feeling like they are on a waiting list to get your attention...worse yet, feeling like they are your groupie. That won't last long, then. They have already figured out HOW to destroy you...now they are biding their time to see how long until they throw YOU away...with nothing. But, if you get past all that, expect long luxurious nights talking and playing Strip Tarot or Naked Chess. They are the Graceful Slut...but not slutty and yet accident prone. If you are going to fuck a Libra: Get mirrors. Lots of them. They have more vanity issues than a Gemini. Nothing is TOO kinky for them. They are the eternal Courtesan or Concubine. They are sex therapists, porn writers who knows?
---- ----------------------- ----------------------- ------------------------- LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
If you fuck up just once with a Leo...That's IT. Don't be expecting them to take you back. They are not willing victims, after all, they CHOSE you...you screwed up? They can UN-Choose you just the same. They live for Menage a Trois...or Qua...or Cinco....anything in a group is okay as long as they are in the middle. Leos also like bubble baths. Once you start with a Leo...do not think you can just turn their emotions on or off like a switch...they demand satisfaction. NOW. All the stress in the world ends up in the Leo neck...They need neckrubs...they feel like they have the entire weight of the world on their head. If its kinky, a Leo has probably done it..You know Madonna's a LEO, right? She masters the Madonna/Whore/Goddess thing pretty well, huh? I wonder why? Could it be cause shes a fuckin' LEO? yep. Valmont was probably a Leo. They probably have the movie at home. Get out your furry gloves and faux mink whips for this kitten. they love soft floggers and there is a specific spot on their back right above their tailbone that is heaven to them where if touched right will actually make them purr...you think I'm bullshitting you? Try it, I dare ya. Leo likes doing doggystyle that's a given. As long as it feels good, but leos also like missionary if they are in love with there lover that is the most intimate position as you two look in each other eyes. Their underware is always..er..interesting to say the least, if they are wearing any. They LIVE for boudoir photography. They LOVE to be photographed. If they can afford a nude or semi nude photo of them..do it now. Leos are born and bred to be porn stars...even if they act prude about it..they have thought about it. The best sex partner is a Scorpio leos love them... Rubies jewels usually are their love. Love to have their hair brushed and played with. You had better be vocal in bed with them...they want to hear how well they are doing. If a Leo has chosen YOU as a mate. Just accept it and enjoy the ride. Be prepared for anything. They have no problem tying you down. They ARE the naughty school teacher, the pirate captain, the gypsy king and Cleopatra all rolled into one.
- ----------------------- ----------------------- ---------------------------------- SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
HOLEE SHIT! here comes the masters and mistresses of FUCKing Sorry Leo, but Scorps ARE the leaders in the Kink O Rama factor (Leos are in second place, so don't worry that much leos) Scorpios KNOW how to seduce. They KNOW what is kinky. They are highly manipulative. They KNOW how to get you to do what THEY want. They KNOW how to fuck. And they are making room for modifications. All they have to do is walk into a room and look at you, and you WILL be on your back assuming the position. Anne Rice (During her 'Beauty' phase) wants to be a Scorpio. Leos and Scorpios make for a fabulous tryst.they are the BEST in bed together..but if the emotions are not there then that's a different story. Don't dare TRY to make a Scorpio jealous...they will duct tape you to a chair and make you watch them fuck your boss..or your sister/brother..or Mother...hell, that's their idea of a typical normal Thursday night. They love to use gag balls. They always have carpet burns on their knees and back...this is from their constant rutting like a wild weasel in heat. They are also very cunning and secretive. They have a fetish for riding crops and bridles. Most Scorpios have mastered the Binaca Blowjob for heightened and elongated pleasure. I hope you can go the distance and can make them come...otherwise gods help ya. Favorite Song: Master and Servant. Most female Scorpios have a horrible tendency of being Alcohol Lesbians...get them drunk enough they will kiss a girl...or two....or three...or five.... but beware their sting!
--------------------- ----------------------- ------------------------------------- Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Right out the chute I am going to tell you...THEY LOVE TO BE SHAVED. True love is being shaved. Sagittarius love is being shaved by someone they love. And they LOVE to travel. They are constantly moving. They are always packing and going somewhere. They are the outdoorsy type. Why fuck in a tent when you can be surrounded by Sequoias under a moonlit night and have sex? Sags will Fuck Everywhere! Most Sags flash body parts and are closet nudists. They will be the first to register for nude volleyball at the nudist resort. Don't get me wrong, they have a TON of provocative clothing at home, but they like to be naked. EVERYWHERE. They don't know why its against the law to drive naked in a convertable especially. It just doesn't seem right. Downright Anti-American to them. They are also bleeding heart causefighters. They believe that sex is a biological function amongst friends...why fight it when you can fuck it? A perfect night for them is to : Talk. Fuck. Talk. Fuck. Go out and look at sea otters..Pick some flowers...Talk. Fuck. Laugh. Have a drink. Talk. Fuck. Dinner. Fuck. Sleep. Fuck and Fuck some more! Male Sags have more fetishes than a female Sag. Foot fetishes...Lingerie...Female Sags are nature lovers: Do it in the bushes, Sex on the beach, in the ocean, hell behind the local laundrymat! Kinky? they Love Kinky. Wear that pirate getup for these girls, they'll be on their knees in a heartbeat. They'll dress kinky and skip the panties under a short skirt if you're going out on the town, just to get you going, and I do mean going~ these girls want it all night long! Whipped cream, body oils and bondage,Licking and sucking, whatever it takes to keep the party going! . They believe in doing it and doing it often! fucking before the movie starts..., fucking at the theatre during the previews and maybe a quick blowjob on the way home. Sag females love sexing up your whole body! Give them a chance, there won't be a body part they haven't sucked licked or fucked!You can touch them anywhere and they got hott cause they're freaky like that! They love leg rubs and jacuzzis, this is because their thighs are a hot spot...They'll be the ones holding you up fucking in the closet at your friends housewarming party at two in the morning. They are built for lot and lots of sex in any way shape or form, kinky or slow teasing, fast and hard or slow and easy~ if you want to get your freak on, Sagittarians are the way to go! None of the other signs love Sex as Much as a Sa g!
----------------- ----------------------- -------------------------------- Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Just as I was writing this one, my Capricorn friend proceeds to call me...Capricorns are psychic by accident. They have no idea the fates smile on them from time to time...they just accept it and move on. You can turn on a Cappie just by breathing on them. They are strong and responsible and have dignity. But they are too easy to turn on sometimes. And watch out when they are horny...whoever is in the room better have protection. They are natural screamers and leave bite marks. they like sex a lot as a favorite past time. Usually during commercial breaks is perfect. Its nothing for a Cappie to fuck seven or eight times during commercial breaks in an hour long T.V. Show. They like to do it in the shower...on the furniture...on other peoples furniture...on other peoples beds...Cars...Tents...boats....yep, if they are in the mood...it could be at the Presiden't inauguration...get ready for some nookie! They love to bite. They might seem at first sight of them rather cold and insensitive. But when they warm up? There is no stopping them. They like to have the back of their knees licked. They live for tongue massages. They think porno is just SILLY...who thought THAT up? But they will watch it to see if they are missing anything. Give them dim lighting, a roaring fireplace and a nice bottle of wine...you might as well reconcile yourself to the fact that you better leave the phones off for the entire weekend and order food in. They like to play games...as long as they are in charge. This is a misunderstood sign...they can be very kinky. As long as it is with people they love.
------------- ----------------------- ----------------------------------------- Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) --
MY favorite sluts are Aquarius. Why? Because if you don't expect anything in return, you won't be disappointed. Sounds easy, huh? They will get under your skin though, so beware. It's easy to be hurt by an Aquarius because they don't want you to know what they are thinking. If they are silent but you are in the room with them...chances are they are in heavy thought. But don't worry, chances are they are thinking about you...and fifteen other things. Water bearers look at sex like it is a form of recess. They can turn you on by simply walking in the room. They are the Rain Man of the Zodiac. They give too much of themselves to others that don't give a shit...then get shy to those that care about them. Go figure. They like kinky. They are easy going. To them, it's a learning experience. Male Aquarians like to tease and live life in a fantasy world. Female Aquarians can't masturbate enough...Males never get the chance to masturbate because everybody wants a piece of them. They like their ankles nibbled. They love back massages. Their ultimate adventure is the "But we might get caught" game. They will fuck wherever they run the risk of being seen or found by another lover. Don't expect faithfulness from these creatures...it's just not in their DNA. They are open minded to the point that anything shiny will derail their train of thought. Fucking while standing or leaning is a plus here. Fuck with their mind and they will follow you anywhere. They enjoy being fucked in groups of three. Think being Jack Nicholson in bed with the three Witches of Eastwick? This is a Aquarian dream. They need you to make the first move. Not to be dominated. But to bring them back to earth now and again for a little physical funtime. They get lost in the clouds a lot. Don't derail from your personal pleasure course, however, otherwise you will be just talking to them all night. which can be stimulating just as well too. Beware! They are the flirts and teases from HELL! Never take one on a trip to a Home Depot when you are both horny. This can lead to nast y things.
---------- ----------------------- ------------------------------------------- Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20)
Get out the boots - Stilletto heels - foot creams and panty hose...here come da fishies! They are the LEADERS in foot fetish. Masturbation in shoes? Okay. Toe masturbation...bring it on! They love using their feet. Suck on a Pisceans toes and SEE what happens! Fucking in the water and see them squirm. Pisces have probably done it in a sex swing. Or at least considered how strong the ceiling beams are on their house to put one in. Pisces men break furniture when they fuck...things get flung everywhere. Pisces can be turned on by the wierdest things...Trains...Water fountains...Jump rope...Whatever. They are the sirens calling you to the beach where you will end up on your back on a towel with water all over you and not wanting it to stop. I have heard it said that its the pisces that will cross the darker kinky side at least once...just to say "YEP. did that. Not that great" OR "What do you MEAN you never......" SAM from sex and the city should be a Pisces. These babes are perfectionists. You will have a perfect orgasm with them...so will they..in fact, they strive for perfection in everything they do...it's all in th details for them. There will not be ONE hair out of place with a Pisces. All of their fetish jewlery will match a specific whip or dress or shoes. EVERYTHING MUST MATCH! I have one Pisces friend that has nipple tassles that match for every pair of underware and whip that she owns! NO SHIT! You might think they are shy! HA! They are just planning something. I had a Pisces Friend (Same Pisces friend with the matching tassles by the way) who was at a nudist beach in Brazil (You will always find a Pisces at a beach...its inbred in them) A middle aged man in his early 50's or so came up to her and immediately saw her body and BABING! got a hard on! Not feeling shocked in any way, shape or form, she walked right up to him and put her hand on his cock for a moment , then with her same hand took her sunglasses off , looked him RIGHT in the eye and said "DAHLING, your erection is SUPERB!" and she walked off never to see him again. You never can tell what the hell a Pisces will do, but I guarantee that it will be SUPERB! SECRET: Pisces women fall for a man that can wear a high heel and garter. And look good