Merry Christmas 2008

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.....

Maxine's Christmas Thoughts

Holiday Treats

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time
of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand
alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. &nbs p;Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in
the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get
to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the
corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"





HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON!!!

12 Days of Christmas

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.
What in the world do leaping lords, French hens,
swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out
of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

This week, I found out.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were
not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone
during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning
plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each
element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality
which the children could remember.


-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.


-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.



-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness,

Gentleness, and Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...

First Date

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a
woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her
skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never
met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late tha t afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize
that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from
anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested
she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the
heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had
better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his
car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down
and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footi ng, so she let her
butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was
a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the
relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent
to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued
against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately
came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered
her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a re ply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip
of the icy mtal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the
first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down. Or perhaps that should be ' pants down. ' And you thought your
first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole
new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting
next to her on the Leno show.

A Christmas Tradition

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Two Weeks 'Til Christmas

Crazy Love

Just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you
with all they have.


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director
became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness. The bad news is,
Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'

Living Will

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Cup of COFFEE
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Cup of COFFEE
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy mash potatoesturkey
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French friescoffee
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of coffee
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolatecoffee
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the "fat lady sing". . and call it a day!

December 7th 1941

Take a moment to remember and honor all of those who died that day.

Therapeutic Fun

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is <'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won- I Won!

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling.... Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK
WhERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
It's Called... THERAPY

Nathan & Tristan

Mumbo and Baby Girl

Comapany Party

Company Party

THIS YEARS CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
the private function room at the Grill House. There will be
a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows
up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing
Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Steve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas
carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am
I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much
money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy
bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets,
Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay
men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high
blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pr@cks I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death", as you
so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and
die!

The Pr**k from HELL!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
DATE: 9th November
RE: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve
Reynolds a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward
your cards to him.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our
Xmas Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd December off with full pay.