Pun Of The Day

Granny threw butter out of the window in order to see the butterfly.

Chocolate Math

AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!It takes less than a minute .Work this out as you read ...Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 54. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
4. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....If you haven't, add 1755.6.
5. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Pun Of The Day

A tangle bell-ringer tolled himself off.

Left Brain Right Brain

Happiness Is . . .
Happiness -- or at least positive, outward-reaching emotions -- may be all in your head.
The left, front side of your head, that is.
And inhibiting, negative, withdrawing emotions may be controlled by the right side of your brain, says Richard Davidson, a University of Wisconsin psychologist who has been studying the physiology of emotions for nearly 20 years.
Davidson's pioneer research, backed by a $10 million National Institutes of Health grant, involves positron emission tomography (PET) and a new generation of Magnetic Resonance Imaging scanners, the Washington Post reported.
Davidson has localized the positive and negative emotional centers in comparable areas of the left and right prefrontal cortex, just behind the forehead.
Davidson says people with more left-side activity generally describe themselves as happier and have a more positive mood than people with increased right-side activity, the story reported.

Gender Meeting

There is another great gender difference, it seems, in the posture, proximity and position of two people approaching each other.
Women prefer the direct approach. Friendly men, on the other hand, prefer to approach another person from the side to demonstrate they're not being hostile, says author David Bodanis in his book, The Secret Family.
And two males "will never stand in direct proximity if they can avoid it. Instead they take up a strangely distanced now-don't-take-offense posture, with their chests not facing each other's directly," writes Bodanis.
Women want to "be cleanly approached from the front so they can see the other person," and a man who makes a sideways approach "is likely to be viewed with suspicion," he says.
Other gender differences he cites: Women generally will stand closer than men, will give "supportive nods and grunts" during conversation and will likely look directly into the other person's eyes.
Men, particularly those who don't know each other, will avoid eye contact, and if their eyes do meet, will "almost joltingly flick their gazes away."

Pun Of The Day

Old math professors never die, they just use strange expressions.

CLASS

Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It's the sure footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.- Ann Landers

Pun Of The Day

When a rich man bought a car he had nothing to chauffer it.

As Time Goes By

I'm one of those people who like to hark back and look at what happened to me in the past. Was I happy, in turmoil, comfortable, learning important lessons, working hard, out of the loop or playing roles in this soap opera called life?
Through my life experiences I have realized what is important and what I should let go of and what I should hang on to. But, knowing and doing are different things. We all have our victories and our defeats. It's what we learn from them and how we go on that's the key.
What would you say are the most important life-altering events that have happened to you thus far? For me, I'd say, the whole High School years, getting married, having children, owning my businesses, divorce and single parenthood and the death of my eldest brother have had the most impact on my psyche.What about you?

Pun Of The Day

Ten years without brushing causes a horrible tooth decade.

Special Forces

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon:
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday!

Pun Of The Day

He had only a skeleton crew and made no bones about it.

Age

George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them " 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Pun Of The Day

Swimming can be easy or hard, it just deep ends.

PMS

What PMS Really Means

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pun Of The Day

Mean people furbally abuse cats.

Fruity Survey

I'm still in a fruity mood so I'll take a survey about it. List your choices below.

Juiciest fruit - orange
Fruit that says Summer - water melon
Favorite berry - strawberry
Healthiest fruit - apple
Favorite fruit for pie making - peach
Favorited dried fruit - apricot
Least favorite fruit - papaya
Least appreciated fruit - dates
Most exotic fruit - starfruit
Favorite recipe using fruit - blackberry cobbler, served warm with vanilla icecream.

PunOf The Day

When it came to reasons for eating the fruit, Eve Adam.

Fruition

Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it. * Emerson

Got Milk ?

I'm in the mood for another survey. This time the subject is dairy products. List your favorites fromthe list below.

Cheese on a sandwich -
Milk shake flavor -
Yogurt flavor -
Icecream flavor -
Hard cheese -
Soft chesse -
Type of milk you prefer ( skim, 2%, whole, soy,etc.) -

My answers: swiss, strawberry, mixed berry, praline pecan, romano, cream cheese, skim for drinking, whole for cooking.

Pun Of The Day

The dairy farmer skimmed his herd and then he condensed it.

Raunchy Jokes

Doctor is spending the evening at home with his wife, the phone rings and it is his three other doctor friends asking him to come and play poker. The doctor says he will be right there. Goes to the closet and puts on his coat. His wife says "Are you going some where" Doctor "Yes a situation has come up" Wife, "Is it serious" Doctor " Yes three doctors are there already."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. Then the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Pun Of The Day

I think Iowa 'bout five dollars in sales Texas.

Games

I am a certifiable game nut, so today I am asking your thoughts on the following :

Favorite kid's game played outside?
hide and seek
Favorite adult game played outside?
bad minton
Favorite kid's board game?
Candyland
Favorite adult board game?
Sorry
Favorite playing piece/token in Monopoly?
The shoe
Favorite word game?
Scrabble
Favorite party game?
Tabu
Favorite strategy game?
Chess
Favorite acting/drawing/creative game?
Cranium
Favorite card game?
UNO
Best game ever invented?
Trivial Pursuit
Game you would like to learn?
Back Gammon

Pun Of The Day

Kings sometimes found that uprisings were a peasant surprise.

Location

When you tell people where you are from what three things do you think come to their minds?

When I tell people I'm from Iowa I think they automatically think ; farmers, corn and hogs.
Some folks always confuse Iowa with Idaho and say potatoes. That kills me!
Also,the notion that Iowa is flat is a misnomer. Iowa has a wide variety of landscapes, from long stretches of seemingly flat fields, to rolling green hills, to rocky cliffs along the rivers to wooded areas thick with wildlife.

Pun Of The Day

An eagle and a hawk had a difference of a pinion.

Forces Of Nature

Over the last few weeks the midwest has been getting hit with destructive storms and tornados. The wild weather season began early, as it is usually May and June that have the most storms. A friend of mine lost the roof of his house in a Tornado in Iowa City last week. Imagine how stunned you would be to see half of your house gone. Facing the destruction and the thought of rebuiling would be daunting to say the least.
Something amazing happens when we are hit with a crisis, friends, family, neighbors and strangers all band together to help each other. People can be selfless when they see others in need. The government may send inspectors and insurance adjusters to assess the damage, but it's the People who do the real work of rebuilding and setting things right.
So today I applaud the spirit of goodwill and faith in our brothers and sisters. God Bless you all.

Pun Of The Day

Those who build roofs are so inclined.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter Everyone
May your day be filled with hope, faith, family and good spirits.

The Magic

I Wonder…
I wonder if you think of me When you lay in your bed at night Do you think of me Do you want to hold me tight? Do you think of my sweet kiss? Is it me that you miss? Time has gone by And I wonder why You walked away from me. No matter what I say You won’t stay But I keep on trying Keep on trying To make you see The MAGIC Between you and me… I long for the day That you will say Sweetheart I want to hold you In my arms forever Oh the simple pleasure It is you I miss Yes, that sweet kiss Your body next to mine Oh so divine But I lay in this empty space Not knowing my place Within your heart… I wonder if someday you will see The Magic between you and me.

Pun of The Day

Love can be a touchy subject.

Pun Of The Day

Going to the dentist can be full-filling.

Smile

Smile When You Say Cheese
If you want to improve your teeth, just order a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger.
The Dental School of Newcastle upon Tyne in the United Kingdom explains why in the British Dental Journal.
It's been reported that eating cheese reduces your risk of tooth decay. This probably has something to do with putting calcium right where the teeth are.
So the dentists decided to find out if you had to sit down with crackers and cheese to get the most benefit, or if it would be just as effective to include cheese as part of your meal.
The researchers got 16 volunteers, and compared the effects of a half-ounce of cheese by itself, a control meal without cheese, and a meal that included cheese in the recipe.
And they found that every form of cheese, whether it was alone or mixed into the food, seemed to help improve the calcium levels in teeth.

No problem, I love cheese and smiling too. Coincidentally, I have pretty nice teeth, so my dentist tells me.

Tied To The Tides

Some say the moon affects the tide. Others, the untied.

Loony Or Lunar

Today we have a full moon. I've always been facinated by the lunar orb. I love to stand outside in the evening and look up at the heavens. There is something mysterious about it's magnetic pull. Do you think the full moon causes people to act loony? I think there is something to it. People seem more emotional and less logical during the full moon phase. I've been known to howl at the moon on a few occassions. I love that primeval feeling. Just think how far back people have been looking up at the moon and what they thought about that glowing orb.

Pun Of The Day

His wife left him, saying she was going home to mutter.

Favorites Poll

I'm in the mood for another favorites survey. List your favorites from the following list:

Jam/jelly flavor -
Movie -
Magazine -
Poet -
Easter candy -
Actor -
Actress -
Picnic food -
Gem stone -
Month -
Tree -
Card game -
Board game -
Summertime beverage -

My Picks: strawberry jam, Forrest Gump, Better Homes & Gardens, Robert Frost, Jelly Beans, Tom Hanks, Kathy Bates, potato salad, ruby (my birthstone), July, Weeping Willow, Texas Hold Em Poker, Scrabble, iced tea and lemonade mixed.

Pun Of The Day

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

New Immigration Testing?

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and someone shouted "Duck"!
The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!

Pun Of The Day

Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

Flower Gardening

It's a beautiful day and I'm thinking about flower gardening. Are you into flowers? What do you like, annuals or perennials?

This year I'm limited to container gardening as I don't have a flower bed. I have a patio where I'll put most of the containers with annuals. I like to go with a patriotic theme of colors in my main focal point. I'll use red geraniums, white petunias and blue alysum. The other pots I'll mix things up and use marigolds, verbina, pansies and varigated greenery. I might try a potted cherry tomato and a pepper plant with some salad greens for filler. I have to wait a week or so to make sure the frost period is over before I get started. It should be fun. Happy planting!

Pun Of The Day

The guy who planted bullets wanted to see a lot of little shoots.

WhatAre You Doing Today

It's Sunday and most people have the day off of work. What are you going to do today?

On Sunday afternoons I usually tune in to NASCAR. Lots of people call it a red-neck sport, but there is something about it that excites me. I love the thrill of racing at crazy speeds, the danger of crashing, the intimidation of drivers, the skilled pit crews and the sweet taste of victory after a hard-fought battle on the track. Everyone has their favorites and ones we despise. The number of fans keeps growing and will soon out number football and baseball fans combined. Vvvrrroooom!
I'll also cook up some tasty snacks for the race. I feel like some spicey Mexican today. I just need someone to bring the beer. Wink.

Pun Of The Day

The first fuel used in auto racing was called formula one.

I Smell BBQ

It's a beautiful day here and I was thinking about hauling out the BBQ grill and cooking up something for dinner. When I smell hickory smoke and roasting meat in the neighborhood I start to salivate.
Do you like to play BBQ master? What things do you like to grill. Do you have any special secrets; techniques or ingredients that you use?

Any old slab of meat with sizzling grill marks works for me. I do have some favorites I seem to repeat. You can't beat a juicy hickory flavored hamburger, chicken marinated in Terriaki, T-Bone steak, BBQ ribs dripping in secret sauce and chunks of veggies on a scewer basted with herbed olive oil. MMM
Let's get cooking!

Pun Of The Day

When a judge eats out, his honor is at steak.

Wedding Humor

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

Pun Of The Day

A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.

It's Official

What is your official sign that Spring has arrived?

It's official! Spring is here. We can all let out a collective sigh. It was a long winter. I saw my first Robin, actually a pair, this morning. They were hopping around on the front lawn just outside my window this morning. The grass is greened up and things are sprouting thanks to all of the rain we've had lately. I could do with out the tornados and wind, but the rain was needed. Now the farmers will have moist fields to plant. I can hardly wait to see the tulips and daffodils in bloom.

Pun Of The Day

A bird watcher had a mynah problem, but with no egrets.

Question/Survey Of The Day

Fill in the blank. What ever happened to ____________?

My original thought to this was what ever happened to Baby Jane. Remember that movie? I believe it starred Bette Davis. I remember me and my oldest brother huddled together late one night watching this creepy flick when I was about 9 years old. We were both half scared to watch it.

My other thought is what ever happened to chivalry, manners and treating our fellow man with respect. People don't seem to care about anything any more.

Pun Of The Day

Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.

Seasons and Reasons

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or atan inconvenient time, this person will say or dosomething to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept thelesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Queston/Survey Of The Day

I'm thinking about getting a small aquarium and some fish. What kind of fish would you suggest? I want some colorful fresh water fish that are not hard to maintain.

I want to keep it simple, yet interesting to look at. Do I use real pants or plastic ? I was thinking colored marbles for a base instead of rocks. I'd appreciate any input, but bare in mind I'm just a beginner at this.

Pun Of The Day

Seafood operations start out on a small scale.

Pun Of The Day

A man with no pennies got into senseless trouble.

Men & Women

The Taste of Victory
In the battle of the sexes, here are a few important wins for women.
They almost always finish chewing food sooner than men, says author David Bodanis. That's because women have better control over their tongue muscles.
Bodanis also says women are superior in other subtleties of sight, sound and taste.
They generally have better peripheral vision than men because they have more off-center receptors in their retinas, says Bodanis in his book, The Secret Family. Men, because of a different concentration of the same receptors, require a more face-on view to see things as well.
That same physiological difference allows women to see better in low light than men. They can also hear high-frequency sounds better, and they usually can detect diluted tastes better.

Cat Bathing

Dear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG

A Chemical Ditty

Here's some chemistry humor for ya:
Little Bobby was a chemist.
Little Bobby is no more.
For what he thought was H2O
Was really H2SO4.
(H2SO4 is sulfuric acid.)

Pun of The Day

When old chemicals die, we barium.

Blonde Joke

First Ever Blond GUY JokeAn Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."
The Blond Guy opened h is lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The Blond Guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Blond's wife.
The Blond's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Question/Survey Of The Day

Happy April Fools Day! Have you ever been the initiator or victim of an April Fools joke?

I'm pretty boring I guess, the only prank I've done or had done to me is telling a person that someone important to them had telephoned, when they had not. Seeing someone get excited and then crushing their enthusiasm isn't really that funny. I am I losing my sense of humor?
Don't forget to set your clocks ahead 1 hour tonight. No Fooling!

Pun Of The Day

For a fencer to admit that he's been foiled is ahard thing touche'.