Thursday, July 24, 2008

Class Reunion

My 30 year Class Reunion is this weekend and I have visions of this scenario playing out. Help!!!

NOT THAT OLD?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEM BER ED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

”YES. . . YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ”IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?”

”YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!” I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN,

THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GREY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED:

”WHAT DID YOU TEACH?”

Monday, July 21, 2008

Doors







May your troubles be less
your blessings more
and may nothing but happiness
come through your door.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Community Service

The Haircut



One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber
replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next
morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I
cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up
there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts
waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes
in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bil l, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The
professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop,
there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different
books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and
'Becoming More Successful'.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and
when he goes to pay his bill the barber again
replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.'
The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up,
there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a
free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the citizens of our country and
the members of our Congress.


Vote carefully this year !!!!!!!

Gotta Run To The Store

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Ol' Gray Mare Aint What She Used To Be


Yes, I have managed to hang in there one more year.
I'm 48 today. Aint it great? Hah Hah!

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George Carlin's Words

A Message by George Carlin:



The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but
less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.



We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.



We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too
much, love too seldom, and hate too often.



We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We've conquered
outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better
things.



We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.



These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of
two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are
days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night
stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just
hit delete...



Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going
to be around forever.



Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because
that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.



Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.



Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most
of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you.



Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will
not be there again.



Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious
thoughts in your mind.



AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:



Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

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