Out Takes

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefullyin his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get aheadache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin'and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a supportgroup for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirablejob, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At theend of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and savingan infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without eve nconsidering if there is a man on base.'--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treatit like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you , they shouldgive you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the daybefore they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to s wim when someone took herout in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren'ttrying to teach you how to swim.'--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says tha t women have betterverbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:'Duh.'--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfwaythrough my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eatinga slow learner.
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in NewYork said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it justisn't cold enough. Let's go west.'--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonatorswould be dead.'--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'--Paul Rodriguez13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixtyand that's the law.'--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case offire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest totallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is thesame.'--Oscar Wilde16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a memberof Congress. But I repeat myself.'-- Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.At least they can find Afghanistan .'--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will giveyou a look that says, 'My sakes, you're right! I never would've thoughtof that.'--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease'was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) And lastly: Why in the world should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'--Every American