Things To Ponder

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Some people are like "Slinkies". Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
* Why does Goofy stand upright while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy a bird dinner?
* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? (Stop singing and read on.........)
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once really make it arrive faster?