annie4914sworld

Retribution

2009-09-08T22:11:00.001-05:00

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, the night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A.M. EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grate- ful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Taps

2009-08-16T16:38:00.001-05:00

We in the United States have all heard
the haunting song, 'Taps.' It's the song that
gives us the lump in our throats and usually
tears in our eyes.

But, do you know the story behind the song? If
not, I think you will be interested to find out
about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly,
it all began in 1862 during the Civil War,
when Union Army
Captain Robert Ellicombe was with
his men near Harrison 's Landing in
Virginia . The Confederate Army was
on the other side of the narrow strip of land.

During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of
a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field.
Not knowing if it was a Union
or Confederate soldier, the Captain
decided to risk his life and bring the stricken
man back for medical attention. Crawling on his
stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached
the stricken soldier and began pulling him
toward his encampment.

When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he
discovered it was actually a Confederate
soldier, but the soldier was dead.
The Captain lit a lantern and
suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock.
In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier.
It was his own son. The boy had been studying music
in the South when the war broke out.
Without telling his father, the boy
enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked
permission of his superiors to give his son a
full military burial, despite his enemy status.
His request was only partially granted.

The Captain had asked if he could have a group of
Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral.
The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate.
But, out of respect for the father, they did say they
could give him only one musician.

The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the
bugler to play a series of musical notes he had
found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the
dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted.

The haunting melody, we now know as 'Taps' used
at military funerals was born.

The words are:

Day is done.
Gone the sun.
From the lakes
From the hills.
From the sky.
All is well.
Safely rest.
God is nigh.

Fading light.
Dims the sight.
Gems the sky.
Gleaming bright.
From afar.
Drawing nigh.
Falls the night.

Thanks and praise.
For our days.
Neath the sun
Neath the stars.
Neath the sky

As we go.
This we know.
God is nigh

Cash For Clunkers?

2009-08-14T08:04:00.001-05:00

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

Remember The Apron

2009-08-10T16:31:00.000-05:00

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know, and love, the story about Grandma's aprons. Or it can be a good history lesson for those that have no idea how the apron played a part in our lives.

REMEMBER:
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron ..... but Love !!

40th Anniversary of Moon Landing

2009-07-20T13:46:00.004-05:00

July 20th,1969
One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
Man's first walk on the moon.
Buzz Aldrin doing wind tests near lunar module.

I remember watching this momentous occasion unfold on TV when I was 9 years old.
Walter Concrite did a wonderful job covering this important event.
It's kid of ironic that Walter died just a few days ago. RIP

Carnation Milk Add Slogan

2009-07-18T18:00:00.002-05:00

CARNATION MILK 65 YEARS AGO

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy
farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little
compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in
approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the
best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk
is best of all.
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can
do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in
front of her house.
A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here
to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

Smile In The Sky

2009-06-30T08:22:00.002-05:00

Mother Nature Smiles

I'm A New Grandma

2009-06-24T15:37:00.003-05:00

My first grand child arrived today.
I'm so proud to introduce her to the world.
Taitlyn Raylene Elseman
Born 6/24/09 @ 2:22 AM
4 lb. 15 oz.
18 1/2 in. long

Her parents are my son, Nathan and his wife Tristan.

Long May She Wave

2009-06-14T08:53:00.001-05:00

Flag Day, 14 June, marks the anniversary of the adoption by Congress in 1777 of the Stars and Stripes as emblem of the nation. Celebrations of the flag began in local communities throughout the country during the nineteenth century, largely for the purpose of educating children in history. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson, and later, in 1927, President Calvin Coolidge, suggested that 14 June be observed as Flag Day. It was not until 3 August 1949 that the National Flag Day Bill became law, giving official recognition to 14 June to celebrate the flag.

45 Life Lessons

2009-06-05T16:44:00.000-05:00

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old,
of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.
Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it..

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others.
You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger..

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life,
don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words
'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is,
not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43.. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Use Your Head Man!

2009-06-04T16:42:00.000-05:00

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.

It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Flower Flag

2009-06-03T14:03:00.002-05:00

THE ONLY FLAG THAT DOESN'T FLY

Between the fields where the flag is planted, there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed companies. It's a beautiful place, close to Vandenberg AFB. Check out the dimensions of the flag. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions, as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars, comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants, with 4-5 flower stems each, for a total of more than 2 million flowers.

Bright As A Burned Out Light Bulb

2009-05-29T07:13:00.000-05:00

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

The Holy Alphabet

2009-05-26T11:12:00.001-05:00

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

Can You Read This?

2009-05-06T10:24:00.000-05:00

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuol t blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm.. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!

When Pigs Fly

2009-05-01T07:48:00.001-05:00

It was said that a black man would be president when pigs flew. Well behold: 100 days into his presidency the swine flu.

Be careful and be well.

Nathan & Tristan Wedding 4-25-09

2009-04-30T11:36:00.003-05:00

Idiot Alert !

2009-04-30T11:36:00.001-05:00

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that
we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook
his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4... He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out
window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also
handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes
I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back..' She
sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did
so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot
do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75
cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for
them to be crossing anymore..'

>From Kingman , KS ..

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager
commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not
another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare..

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no
less...

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I
already got that side..'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS.

Enough

2009-04-18T18:05:00.001-05:00

I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

You Want Fries With That?

2009-04-15T09:21:00.002-05:00

First McDonald's opened by Ray Kroc: 15 April 1955 - This Day in History
On this day in 1955, American fast-food pioneer Ray Kroc opened the first McDonald's franchise in Des Plaines, Illinois, launching an enterprise that would eventually become the world's largest fast-food chain.

Easter Chicks

2009-04-12T20:28:00.000-05:00

T- Shirts

2009-04-10T16:58:00.002-05:00

Afghan Tree

2009-04-08T11:06:00.003-05:00

GRANNY WENT CRAZY WITH
THE CROCHET HOOKS AGAIN
GOTTA KEEP THOSE TREES WARM

Taxed To Death

2009-03-29T16:20:00.000-05:00

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, grocery tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, tobacco tax, Liquor tax, federal income tax, FICA, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), social security tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, cell phone tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capital gains tax, Iowa property tax and sales tax, that $200 ticket for going 5mph over while trying to get to work so I can pay taxes for Barney-let the crackheads go 'cause they can't pay a fine-Fife's salary (and that new police car he drives) and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money. On top of this I need to save all I can to help my kids because our government obviously isn't worried about sidling them with several TRILLION dollars of unneeded debt.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Sincerely Yours,
American Taxpayer

Some People Are A Pain

2009-03-29T14:57:00.002-05:00

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andy Rooney

I'm beginning to think that is true.
I attended a bridal shower today
and the room was full of bitches
and I'm not talking about the furry kind.

Become An Illegal

2009-03-27T17:42:00.000-05:00

FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!
Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

Fairy Tale

2009-03-21T17:15:00.002-05:00

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office. 'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and threechildren.' The man told the fairy, 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.' The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen abeautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay. 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these toren cloths, and abaseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans.' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a
Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth
back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new
house?'

THIS IS GOOD .... The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac. Now that you are a White American,
you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared.

Life On File

2009-03-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

The Room....

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read 'Girls I have liked.' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I have betrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,' 'Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at ..' Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at my brothers.' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in My Anger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I have watched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts,' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards.. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it,seemed newer,20almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back.. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It is finished.' I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Fat Cat

2009-03-19T09:42:00.002-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T07:28:00.002-05:00

May the road rise up and meet you and may the wind always be at your back.

Success

2009-03-13T20:59:00.002-05:00

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Water

2009-03-11T18:52:00.002-05:00

Politically Correct

2009-03-03T17:50:00.001-06:00

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will

no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
(SOUNDS LIKE SHE WORKED AT AN INSURANCE CO.BEFORE SHE GOT A REAL JOB)

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

And Now...The End Of The Story

2009-03-01T09:49:00.002-06:00

Paul Harvey, who captivated millions of radio listeners daily with his staccato delivery, firmly set opinions and old-fashioned outlook, died on Saturday at the age of 90 at a hospital near his winter home in Phoenix.

He was on the air for more than 60 years, becoming a fixture across the United States in 1951 when he joined ABC Radio.

Working out of Chicago, Harvey started his show each day by barking, "Hello, Americans, this is Paul Harvey! Stand by for news!" and would sign off with a forceful "Paul Harvey ... good day!" In between, he flung out a variety of trademark phrases that listeners came to expect like, "Stay tuned for the rest of the story" and "May I have your undivided for just a moment."

Rest in peace. We'll miss your stories.

The Tiny Cabin

2009-02-20T16:48:00.001-06:00

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody
home?' she asked.

Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
'This is the Outhouse!'

(Government workers are so smart)

Fun On Hollywood Squares

2009-02-19T11:24:00.002-06:00

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers from the
days
when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and
clever,
not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the
host
asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually
seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Happy Valentines Day

2009-02-14T09:50:00.001-06:00

I Give To You My Heart

2009-02-13T21:16:00.000-06:00

SUPER BOWL XLIII

2009-02-01T10:24:00.003-06:00

Super Bowl XLIII Steelers Vs. Cardinals

Today is the big game, deciding the 2008 champion of the NFL.
It's a day to party, cheer, eat, drink, laugh at commercials, listen to a music legend, be a sideline coach and sport your team colors.

Who will win? Time will tell. It isn't over until it's over.
I predict a late game come-back from the Cardinals to win, with a score of 27-21.

Here are a couple Super Bowl factoids.

Ticket Prices:
A ticket cost $6 when Bart Starr, Vince Lombardi and the Green Bay Packers beat Kansas City 35-10 in that first game. The top ticket for this weekend's matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals goes for $1,000.

Name of the game:
It was officially the AFL-NFL World Championship Game in the 1960s. Commissioner Pete Rozelle preferred "The Big One" but that got nixed. The late Lamar Hunt, among the AFL's founders, suggested "Super Bowl" as a temporary fix. He got the name idea after seeing his daughter bounce a SuperBall.

Global Warming Protest

2009-01-30T21:19:00.002-06:00

Punny Biz

2009-01-29T18:45:00.000-06:00

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from having too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Legal Humor

2009-01-22T18:42:00.001-06:00

Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two
drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases
and started to eat. The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat
your own sandwiches in here!"
So the lawyers traded sandwiches.

* Free Advice *
If at first you don't suceed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Can I Get That To Go?

2009-01-20T17:43:00.002-06:00

Nathan Turns 26 Today

2009-01-17T07:58:00.001-06:00

Happy 26th Birthday
To My Son Nathan.
Love You!

What To Wear What To Drink

2009-01-15T17:26:00.002-06:00

Would You Like To Have A Drink?

2009-01-15T17:16:00.002-06:00

Walking

2009-01-14T17:44:00.000-06:00

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you
at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $7000.00 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he
was 60. Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I
could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain
figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400
bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them..

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you
die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few
years,.......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,because
there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I
look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I
look just fine.

BUT...MOST IMPORTANTLY:
When we walk with God, we always reach the right
destination.

24 Years Ago

2009-01-03T19:52:00.001-06:00

My baby girl was born January 3rd 1985.

Happy Birthday Natalie!

Your Mumbo loves you so much.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T08:08:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas 2008

2008-12-24T21:09:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.....

Maxine's Christmas Thoughts

2008-12-23T07:44:00.000-06:00

Holiday Treats

2008-12-20T17:02:00.001-06:00

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time
of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand
alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. &nbs p;Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in
the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get
to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the
corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON!!!

12 Days of Christmas

2008-12-20T16:47:00.000-06:00

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.
What in the world do leaping lords, French hens,
swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out
of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

This week, I found out.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were
not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone
during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning
plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each
element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality
which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness,

Gentleness, and Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...

First Date

2008-12-18T15:05:00.001-06:00

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a
woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her
skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never
met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late tha t afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize
that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from
anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested
she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the
heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had
better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his
car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down
and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footi ng, so she let her
butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was
a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the
relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent
to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued
against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately
came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered
her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a re ply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip
of the icy mtal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the
first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down. Or perhaps that should be ' pants down. ' And you thought your
first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole
new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting
next to her on the Leno show.

A Christmas Tradition

2008-12-15T17:23:00.001-06:00

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Two Weeks 'Til Christmas

2008-12-11T10:00:00.002-06:00

Crazy Love

2008-12-10T21:42:00.000-06:00

Just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you
with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director
became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness. The bad news is,
Ralph hung himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'

Living Will

2008-12-07T21:20:00.002-06:00

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Cup of COFFEE
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Cup of COFFEE
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy mash potatoesturkey
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French friescoffee
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of coffee
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolatecoffee
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the "fat lady sing". . and call it a day!

December 7th 1941

2008-12-07T10:49:00.002-06:00

Take a moment to remember and honor all of those who died that day.

Therapeutic Fun

2008-12-04T17:38:00.001-06:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is <'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream I Won- I Won!

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling.... Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK
WhERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
It's Called... THERAPY

Nathan & Tristan

2008-12-03T22:21:00.001-06:00

Mumbo and Baby Girl

2008-12-03T22:19:00.002-06:00

Comapany Party

2008-12-01T17:46:00.001-06:00

Company Party

THIS YEARS CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
the private function room at the Grill House. There will be
a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows
up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing
Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Steve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas
carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am
I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much
money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the
party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy
bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets,
Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay
men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high
blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Steve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pr@cks I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death", as you
so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and
die!

The Pr**k from HELL!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
DATE: 9th November
RE: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve
Reynolds a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward
your cards to him.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our
Xmas Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd December off with full pay.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2008-11-27T07:21:00.003-06:00

BE THANKFUL FOR
ALL THAT YOU HAVE
ALL THAT YOU DO
AND ALL THAT YOU ARE

Bumper Snickers

2008-11-24T08:26:00.001-06:00

TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people

"Everybody But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be

out by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!

1. Welcome to America...now speak English!

Christmas at the pearly gates.

2008-11-21T20:18:00.000-06:00

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man said, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Over 40 and Fabulous

2008-11-15T22:47:00.001-06:00

Women over 40 by Frank Kaiser

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Out Takes

2008-11-15T21:53:00.000-06:00

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefullyin his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get aheadache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin'and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown
3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a supportgroup for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'Drew Carey
4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirablejob, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At theend of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'Jeff Foxworthy
5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and savingan infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without eve nconsidering if there is a man on base.'--Dave Barry
6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treatit like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you , they shouldgive you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the daybefore they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'--Bob Ettinger
7) 'My Mom said she learned how to s wim when someone took herout in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren'ttrying to teach you how to swim.'--Paula Poundstone
8) 'A study in the Washington Post says tha t women have betterverbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:'Duh.'--Conan O'Brien
9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfwaythrough my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eatinga slow learner.
10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in NewYork said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it justisn't cold enough. Let's go west.'--Richard Jeni
11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonatorswould be dead.'--Johnny Carson
12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'--Paul Rodriguez13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixtyand that's the law.'--Jerry Seinfeld
14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case offire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest totallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson
15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is thesame.'--Oscar Wilde16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a memberof Congress. But I repeat myself.'-- Mark Twain
17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.At least they can find Afghanistan .'--A. Whitney Brown
18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will giveyou a look that says, 'My sakes, you're right! I never would've thoughtof that.'--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease'was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) And lastly: Why in the world should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'--Every American

Hey Bartender

2008-11-14T20:16:00.001-06:00

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the sake
of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code
word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give
me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller
Lite.

Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bu
Lite.

Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a
Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

Fold Call Or Raise

2008-11-13T22:12:00.002-06:00

Two couples were playing poker. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

HELLO

2008-11-13T01:14:00.001-06:00

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

Compute

2008-11-11T22:37:00.000-06:00

The Original Computer!
Was a pencil..
the lead end was "PRINT"
the eraser was "DELETE!"

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

Take a moment to remember.

2008-11-11T07:58:00.002-06:00

On this day in 1921, the anniversary of the end of World War I, the first Armistice Day was commemorated with the burial of the bodies of unknown soldiers in tombs in Paris, in London, and outside Washington, D.C.

Red Flag

2008-11-06T13:05:00.001-06:00

Red Flag (as performed by Cody McCarver)

He's got a wrinkled up rock 'n' roll T-shirt on
And a beanbag for a couch
He can hold his beer but he can't hold a job
And he creeps your little sister out
When he flexes his muscle and
He makes that Hooters girl on his right arm dance
Well he wants to be a star
Play air guitar someday in a heavy metal band

[chorus]
That's a red flag, that's a bad sign,
That's a good bet somethin' ain't right
Hold on there, I wouldn't go there
If I was you

I ain't sayin' I'm a know-it-all
But something sure should have tipped you off
When he said,
"Hey baby can I bum a couple bucks for gas,"
Yeah that's a red flag.

You say this one's different cause he bought you flowers,
A dozen for every day of the week
He drives by your house every hour on the hour
And writes you poetry
It's all about destiny, how it's meant to be,
How it's written in the stars that shine
And he's talkin' love and kids and stuff,
And you've only been out one time

[Chorus w/new ending]
That's a red flag, that's a bad sign,
That's a good bet somethin' ain't right
Hold on there, I wouldn't go there
If I was you

Now I ain't sayin' I'm a know-it-all
But something sure should have tipped you off
When he called just to say
"I called how come you didn't call me back?"
Yeah that's a red flag.

[bridge]
Mama's boy and jocks and flirts,
Weirdos in speedos and plain old jerks
And hare-brained half-baked honky tonk clowns
With half a dozen girls in half a dozen towns

[chorus]
That's a red flag, that's a bad sign,
That's a good bet somethin' ain't right
Hold on there, I wouldn't go there
If I was you

Now I ain't sayin' I'm a know-it-all
But something sure should have tipped you off
When some guys says
"My ex-old lady was a nag,"
Yeah that's a red flag

Life in the 1500's

2008-11-06T11:22:00.001-06:00

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small ani mals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did no t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Heroine

2008-11-04T23:26:00.001-06:00

There is a word in the English in which the first 2 letters signify a man, the first 3 letters signify a woman, the first 4 letters signify a great man and the entire word signifies a great woman.

November 4, 2008

2008-11-04T07:46:00.002-06:00

Do your civic duty and get out and vote today.
Obama vs. McCain

Daylight Savings Time

2008-11-01T19:13:00.002-05:00

Be sure and set your clocks back one hour before you go to bed tonight.

Bad Moon Rising

2008-11-01T01:35:00.000-05:00

Sign

2008-11-01T01:34:00.001-05:00

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Maxine's Halloween Special

2008-10-30T20:29:00.002-05:00

Things that make you go Hmm!

2008-10-30T20:29:00.001-05:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, Then it's you!

Male & Female

2008-10-29T19:51:00.001-05:00

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see
right through them..

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it,and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

Crossing

2008-10-29T11:28:00.001-05:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken ?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the
price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how
it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Jack O' Lantern

2008-10-27T19:41:00.002-05:00

The Irish brought the tradition of the Jack O'Lantern to America. But, the
original Jack O'Lantern was not a pumpkin. The Jack O'Lantern legend goes
back hundreds of years in Irish History.

As the story goes, Stingy Jack was a miserable, old drunk who liked to play
tricks on everyone: family, friends, his mother and even the Devil himself.
One day, he tricked the Devil into climbing up an apple tree. Once the Devil
climbed up the apple tree, Stingy Jack hurriedly placed crosses around the
trunk of the tree. The Devil was then unable to get down the tree. Stingy
Jack made the Devil promise him not to take his soul when he died. Once the
devil promised not to take his soul, Stingy Jack removed the crosses and let
the Devil down.

Many years later, when Jack finally died, he went to the pearly gates of
Heaven and was told by Saint Peter that he was too mean and too cruel and
had led a miserable and worthless life on earth. He was not allowed to enter
heaven. He then went down to Hell and the Devil. The Devil kept his promise
and would not allow him to enter Hell.

Now Jack was scared and had nowhere to go but to wander about forever in the
darkness between heaven and hell. He asked the Devil how he could leave as
there was no light. The Devil tossed him an ember from the flames of Hell to
help him light his way.

Jack placed the ember in a hollowed out Turnip, one of his favorite foods
which he always carried around with him whenever he could steal one. For
that day onward, Stingy Jack roamed the earth without a resting place,
lighting his way as he went with his "Jack O'Lantern".

On all Hallow's eve, the Irish hollowed out Turnips, rutabagas, gourds,
potatoes and beets. They placed a light in them to ward off evil spirits and
keep Stingy Jack away. These were the original Jack O'Lanterns. In the
1800's a couple of waves of Irish immigrants came to America. The Irish
immigrants quickly discovered that Pumpkins were bigger and easier to carve
out. So they used pumpkins for Jack O'Lanterns.

Platform

2008-10-24T17:45:00.000-05:00

Repubocrats

2008-10-24T17:39:00.000-05:00

I was talking to the little girl of a friend of mine, and she said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Liberal Democrats, were standing there so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds (she's all of 6.) And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.

Maxine On Fall

2008-10-23T10:21:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-10-23T02:34:00.002-05:00

ENJOY YOUR SPECIAL DAY
OCTOBER 24TH

Diet

2008-10-23T02:30:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high,

I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to

be complicated and it would solve my physical

problems. He said just think in colors...

Fill your plate with bright colors... greens,

yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's.

And sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right could be so easy!

Feelings

2008-10-22T12:23:00.001-05:00

People May not remember exactly what you did
or what you said ~BUT~
They will always remember how you made them feel!

Fall Color

2008-10-21T17:36:00.001-05:00

Gas Up

2008-10-21T17:33:00.002-05:00

WHO KNEW THIS???

I have been driving for 30 years... I would think I should have noticed the little secret on my dashboard that was staring me in the face the whole time...I didn't...and I bet you didn't either...

Have you ever rented or borrowed a car and when arriving at the gas station wondered...hmm, which side is the gas cap?
My normal solution was to stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look, try to see in the side mirrors or even get out of the car!
Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look foolish or put your neck at risk of injury.

If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump?
The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the gas pump?
If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left? If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right. It is that simple!

Golden State?

2008-10-18T08:11:00.001-05:00

You know you're from California when...Californians are better because...

Everyone hates cops

You live next door to Mexicans

You say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and "hell of" and "hella"(Nor Cal only) and "faded" and "stoked" and "fo sho" and you say them often

You know what real cheese taste like.

All the porn you watch is made here, cause we do it better and that's how it is.

You don't get snow days off because there's only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear.

You can wear sandals all year long.

You go to the Beach - not "down to the shore."

You know 65 mph really means 100.

When someone cuts you off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we don't screw around on the road.

The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border).

Our governor can kick your governor's ass.

You can go out at midnight.

You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code.

You might get looked at funny by locals when you're on vacation in their state, but when they find out you're from California you turn into a Greek GOD.

We don't stop at stop signs... we do a "California roll"
No cop no stop baby!

You can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day.

All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here.

EVERYONE smokes weed. No exceptions.

We're the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State.....GOLDEN!!!

We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them).

We have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means our opinion means more than yours, which means we're better than you.

The best athletes come from here.

We got Disneyland....!

We have The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf which is way better than Starbucks.

We call it soda, not pop.

Oh, and no one from California calls it Cali... that's how we know you're not from around here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

Your sense of direction=Toward the ocean and away from the ocean.

You eat an In n Out burger at least once a week!!!

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bullet-proof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You can't find your other earring because your son/brother is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
All highways into the state say: "no fruits."

All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

The Terminator is your governor

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from California.

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You don't care what race people are because you're too busy wondering what gender they are.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

The normal symbols on restrooms mean "people wearing pants" and "people wearing skirts".

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

Symbol

2008-10-17T22:13:00.001-05:00

A Knights Tale

2008-10-17T22:10:00.001-05:00

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Crisp

2008-10-15T13:11:00.000-05:00

CRAN-APPLE CRISP

4 medium tart apples, peeled and chopped
2 cups cranberries
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1 1/2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 1/2 cups quick-cooking oats
1 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 cup butter, melted
1/3 cup packed brown sugar

Combine apples and cranberries in a greased 13x9 in. baking dish.
Sprinkle with sugar, spices and lemon juice.
Toss oats, walnuts, butter and brown sugar ; sprinkle over fruit.
Bake at 325 degrees F for 1 hour or until golden brown.
Serve warm with ice cream if desired.

Service

2008-10-14T22:24:00.001-05:00

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Provincial, City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Poking Fun

2008-10-10T19:34:00.002-05:00

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at
half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each
arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the & F'
word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a
southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit !

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

New State Mottos

2008-10-08T20:45:00.001-05:00

ALABAMA ~

"Yes, we have electricity"

ALASKA ~

"We also take American money"

ARIZONA ~

"But It's a Dry Heat"

ARKANSAS ~

"Litterasy Ain't Everthing"

CALIFORNIA ~

"As Seen on TV"

COLORADO ~

"If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother"

CONNECTICUT ~

"Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character"

DELAWARE ~

"We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water"

FLORIDA ~

"Ask Us About Our Grandkids"

GEORGIA ~

"We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism"

HAWAII ~

"Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru"
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

IDAHO ~

"Potatoes and Neo Nazi's ... What More
Could You Ask For?"

ILLINOIS ~

"Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

INDIANA ~

"2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free"

IOWA ~

"We Do Amazing Things With Corn"

KANSAS ~

"Where Science Don't Mean Shit"

KENTUCKY ~

"Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names"

LOUISIANA ~

"We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign"

MAINE ~

"We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster"

MARYLAND ~

"A Thinking Man's Delaware"

MASSACHUSETTS ~

"Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
(For Most Tax Brackets)

MICHIGAN ~

"First Line of Defense From the Canadians"

MINNESOTA ~

"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000 Mosquitoes"

MISSISSIPPI ~

"Come Feel Better About Your Own State"

MISSOURI ~

"Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work"

MONTANA ~

"Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else"

NEBRASKA ~

"Ask About Our State Motto Contest"

NEVADA ~

Two words - "Whores and Poker"

NEW HAMPSHIRE ~

"Go Away and Leave Us Alone"

NEW JERSEY ~

"You Want a Frickin' Motto? I Got Yer Frickin' Motto Right Here!"

NEW MEXICO ~

"Lizards Make Excellent Pets"

NEW YORK ~

"You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney..."

NORTH CAROLINA ~

"Tobacco is a Vegetable"

NORTH DAKOTA ~

"We Really are One of the 50 States!"

OHIO ~

"At Least We're Not Michigan"

OKLAHOMA ~

"Like the Play, only No Singing"

OREGON ~

"Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner"

PENNSYLVANIA ~

"Cook With Coal"

RHODE ISLAND ~

"We're Not REALLY An Island"

SOUTH CAROLINA ~

"Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender"

SOUTH DAKOTA ~

"Closer Than North Dakota"

TENNESSEE ~

"The Educashun State"

TEXAS ~

"Si' Hablo Ing'les"
(Yes, I speak English)

UTAH ~

"Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus"

VERMONT ~

"Yep"

VIRGINIA ~

"Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?"

WASHINGTON ~

"Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!"

WASHINGTON D.C. ~

"Got crack?"

WEST VIRGINIA ~

"One Big Happy Family - No, really!"

WISCONSIN ~

"Come Cut Our Cheese"

WYOMING ~

"Where men are men and sheep are scared"